Tumblr is a picture blogging format thing (we’ve never used it, but we’ll pretend we have to con our gullible readers into a false sense of knowledge driven edification) we’ve used many, many, many times. We’re total experts! Indeed, we won a Noble Prize in Being Noble last year for our valiant, noble displays on Tumblr. We were proud.
Everything can be improved upon, of course, just ask any person whom agrees with such a statement! Whilst Tumblr may be a brilliant piece of cutting edge kit, in our opinion it may as well be a poorly designed, tawdry, seriously badly malfunctioning piece of hogwash! This is why we’re on hand to make it all better. Behold: The Tumble Dryer blogging format!
Tumblr? Tumble dryer? That’s tumbling the tumbled boundaries of tumble based products!
It is indeed, but who are we to say it is or is not safe? We are but mere inventors with a track record for producing the most volatile nonsense known to humanity. We’re proud to announce Tumble Dryer joins our esteemed ranks!
Tumble Dryer works like any other blogging platform (be it WordPress, Wix, Tumblr… erm, the others) but it has one almighty twist! One must harness oneself to one’s creative device (in our case, our trusty laptop) and climb into a 20ft by 20ft bespoke tumble dryer.
Once one is safely harnessed in by a team of marauding imbeciles (the Professional Moron staff) the tumble dryer kicks off at a spin cycle of 1400 rpm. Granted, that’s more of a washing machine speed, but heck you want to get your blog posts written fast so you can get back to Master of None on Netflix, right?
The idea, of course, comes from Superman. The contraption goes at such a rate you momentarily travel into the future, meaning your blog post will be written around 5 minutes faster than normal! Another great tip is if you wash your clothes before you get in – Tumble Dryer will have you steaming dry in no time!
Is this thing safe!?
Not at all! But the brilliant thing about Tumble Dryer is it doesn’t need to be safe? Why? As we have a mandate from the British government to build it*.
The only noticeable downside to Tumble Dryer is the horrific din it creates. Modern tumble dryers are designed to be quiet and environmentally friendly. Tumble Dryer has been designed to be loud, obnoxious, and hazardous for one’s health. The latter point does lead us on to, of course, the dizzy spells.
Mr. Wapojif test ran the device himself a dozen times, and on each occasion emerged from the monstrosity with feelings of intense nausea and dismay. We’re not overly concerned by this – as the old saying goes, waste not want not! We put time and effort into building the thing, so we’re going to release it and see how many lawsuits we can wrack up. Onward!
*We don't really, we got another strongly worded warning letter threatening police action unless we stop the insane inventions.