Steam Controller Appraisal: This One’s For The Steam Controllers

Steam Controller
It’s the Steam Controller. O… M… G!

It took Professional Moron a while to come across a Steam Controller, seeing as it’s only just been released. Steam is developer Valve’s online gaming platform – it’s a bit like Netflix for PC games. As it’s been so popular, Valve (who created the extraordinary Half-Life 2, no less) decided to design a controller to go with it. It was released last month, and there has been a weird reaction to it from the gaming press.

How weird? It’s been evaluated in essays written by journalists who seem to think they’re dissecting Beethoven’s Ninth, or writing a polemic about Communism. Talk about pomp and ceremony – it’s a damn games controller. We appreciate it’s the norm these days online to write verbose reviews on everything, but it’s been odd beholding some journalists who, during their reviews, appear to have “become one” with the video games thanks to the device. Here today, to pour scalding water on the prolixity and pomposity, is Professional Moron. Innit.

The Steam Controller

Upon plugging the controller into his laptop, Mr. Wapojif immediately sensed a being of great omnipotence within his presence. Extraordinary peace and calm swept through his body, and he was compelled to weep uncontrollably. As he began playing games with the Steam Controller, this weeping continued unabated. It was as if the controller had been designed by a deity for him – Mr. Wapojif. Overcome with joy, he wept some more and totalled four hours of pathetic warbling.

It’s the nature of the beast which makes one so intertwined with it. Gripping it, as one must, with one’s hands, the energy it contains feeds into one’s body and places one at the forefront of contemporary gaming. Truly, the use of buttons and a mouse-esque section for PC-esque esqueness had us braying like donkeys for more. More. More gaming, dammit, it’s like a PC mouse in a controller… this is borderline beyond human comprehension!

The Steam Controller can be considered miraculous. As pieces of plastic with electronic functioning go, it’s right up there with the best. Mr. Wapojif primarily tried it out on Ori and the Blind Forest, but also gave it a whirl on other titles to get to grips with the controller’s innovative mouse pad section (the bit in the top right). Truly, divine inspiration has been attained to deliver the Steam Controller to the unsuspecting public. This is a defining moment in human history – decades from now, people will look back and weep upon remembering the day this thing was released!

Films will be made, books will be written, and November will be international Steam Controller month, and A List celebrities, political leaders, great minds, and business CEOs will converge in London, or something, for lengthy discussions about its impact on human society.

Specs for Nerds

Seriously, though, it’s a great controller and, if you use Steam a lot, for £40 it’s totally worth it. If you want the full specifications of this thing then you should visit the Steam Controller page on the Steam site. Man, there’s a lot of steam going on today, huh?

Some people still seem to be wondering whether to dish out the cash and take the leap for Valve’s device, but it’s totally worth it. It’s nowhere near as ground-breaking as some imbeciles have tried to make out, but it does its job amiably and works across thousands of Steam games. What more do you want? Buy it!

8 comments

  1. As you had not mentioned that steam actually came out of it, I am not impressed. As a Costume Designer, steam is important to the perfect presentation of clothes. It removes creases and wrinkles like nobody’s business.
    Although I like the unit, itself, I just don’t understand why surfing the net is so important during the stress of setting up the costumes for a scene? Surely Kim… or Helen (Mirren) (yes. I’ve worked with her) would not be amused.
    Sorry that I am not totally thrilled with this product, although, as usual, your review is of the highest standard.

    • Balls, I should have mentioned the Steam thing. You know, being a total dork with this stuff (you know, I’m 31, a total grown up like Adam Sandler) I… yes, Helen Mirren should have marketed this thing. Helen… Bloogy (sorry for the typo)… Mirren.

      Well I can’t say I understand your job. How… do you go about it? Personally (and this is relying on tautology), I me personally would I me go and just me go and buy a pair of Harrison Ford. Well, just him. The one. He’ll do. Then you can say, “The wardrobe is Harrison Ford” and they can’t argue due to his status. Innit.

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