Great TV Shows That Never Were: House of Bards (like House of Cards, but with more bards)

House of Cards
House of Bards – the classic TV show starring Kevin Spacey.

House of Cards is one of those TV shows you watch on your laptop or PC. Or mobile phone. Or internet connected TV. So it is still, essentially, a TV show, just a contemporary one with the usual, “Hot damn, what should I watch this on today?!” thing going on. And what choices! Eventually you’ll be able to watch it on your smartwatch, too. Groovy!

Our preferred method is to watch our TV shows simultaneously on iPhone, laptop, TV, PC, video game console, and iPad. If this seems excessive, it just ensures, in the event one devices loses the connection to Netflix or the internet, we’re able to keep on watching on at least five other screens at once. It really reduces the paranoia of technology failure, you know? It’s one of the great fears of our time. Kevin Spacey would agree.

House of Bards

Kind of like how Kevin Spacey agreed to be in the quite awesome, multi award-winning House of Cards. The Netflix exclusive may be awesome and multi award-winning, but our concept for a similar TV show would have been even better! Indeed, House of Bards would have wrapped up, at the very least, a handful of Oscars and the Nobel Peace Prize.

The premise is somewhat simple. There’s a house, right, in which a load of bards frolic about reciting poetry, performing acoustic numbers on five-course baroque guitars, and generally behaving in a jaunty manner whilst creating witty aphorisms. They all live in this house and their leader is Kevin Spacey, whose character is called Frank Underbard. He’s a deranged despot who wants to take over the world and spread despotic pro-bard sentiments around the globe. What a fiend!

Spread out over 17 seasons, Underbard would have gradually become undermined by his sense of superiority. His wife, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in career defining form, would eventually rise through the echelons to be the Head Bard who gets to write the lyrics and is, essentially, Lennon compared to Ringo. Spacey, outraged, would ultimately flee the roost and move to the planet the Sun, closing a fine series in fine style finally.

The Emmy Non-Award-Winning Non-Show

Despite the severe sounding nature of all this, the show would have been a comedy. Underbard’s weekly antics would have been a joy to behold, with his band of merry men running riot in the local vicinity and getting involved in merry japes!

There was that episode where the bards were confused with all the back yards in the vicinity, and all the local youths came to play football on the bard’s foreheads. Then there was the one where Kevin Spacey’s mother comes to visit the bards and is appalled by the merriment on show, and so attempts to get all the bards wives so they’ll settle down and behave themselves. Inevitably, she ends up being fired from a cannon into the Sun.

Of course there were the serious episodes as well, like the one when the local cat infested the bard’s home and they all end up with a mild case of scurvy. During this episode, Spacey’s supporting cast (including Adam Sandler, Vince Vaughn, and Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler’s twin) gave horrific performances and caused viewing figures to plunge by several million. ‘twas a sad day for everyone. Indeed.

One comment

  1. This is one fab non-show! I miss it already, & what about the local youths came to play football on the bard’s foreheads episode? I cannot think of a better time to curl up & watch with a cup of Cheese Tea. Or… perhaps a Noodle Cup?

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