Exclusive Easter Bunny Newsletter #3: The Calamities!

Convict parole
Part of the fencing at the Easter bunny premises. Cheerful!

During the last Easter bunny newsletter, we found he’s been struggling with subversive apprentices whilst attempting to deal with a chocolate shortage. This time around, things have taken a turn for the worse! Don’t worry though, folks, those chocolate eggs will be probably be making it to your supermarket shelves in time. Or else!

The Easter Bunny Newsletter

Hi! I’m the Easter bunny. Setbacks seem to be a perpetual occurrence at the Easter bunny factory. I’ve detailed all of our onsite mishaps below for easily digestible reading. Who would have thought being the Easter bunny would be this distressing, this tumultuous, and this calamitous? I certainly didn’t! I guess someone has to do the job, and in this era it’s me.

Janitor Duty

Unfortunately, our only janitor was called off on jury duty for several weeks, which meant I had to hire a replacement. This I did, in the form of a rampaging and murderous former convict recently released on parole. He’s cheap, doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty, and has a surprisingly agile mind capable of jaunty aphorisms and such.

I like him immensely, although he doesn’t do anything except loaf about the premises firing my bazooka (which I keep for safety reasons) at anyone who comes within a mile of our factory. It seems he’s quite mentally unstable as he believes he’s not the janitor at all but an “intergalactic space demon” (his words, not mine) determined to defend the base at all costs. He works from 9 until 5.

Smell

As our former convict (Stuart) doesn’t clean the onsite mess up, this is left to me. I try my best, but with 200 bunny rabbits and a former convict on the residence we have a seriously bad body odour issue rampaging as wildly as Stuart’s former axe-wielding maniac sprees.

The local police issued me with a warning to contain the stench or face persecution. To suppress the repugnant smell I have been forced to cut corners, and have thusly handed two of my most athletic bunny employees with cans of deodorant. They run around outside the factory spraying the deodorant into the air, returning to base for a new can once the current aerosol runs dry.

This isn’t especially environmentally friendly, but it’s duped the police! Most of them suffocate under a shroud of Lynx Dry Anti-Perspirant 48H Fresh Protection before they can get anywhere near my front door!

Melting Chocolate Eggs

Due to climate change we currently have a heatwave at the Easter bunny factory. It’s either this or we’ve got the central heating stuck on maximum, which would explain why it’s so bitterly cold whenever I leave the property. I had previously assumed this sudden temperature change was caused by my constant inhalation of deodorant fumes, but this seems somewhat farfetched.

Regardless, these searing temperatures are making work difficult for my staff, many of whom regularly pass out due to dehydration. This is where our former convict, Stuart, comes in useful. He rouses them by throwing carrot cakes at the unconscious bunnies, awakening them with delicious carrot goodness. See, he really is useful!

The Press Get Provocative

I’ve been in my position as Easter bunny for five years but the UK press still hates me. My real name is Craig and I have been dubbed Calamitous Craig by the hacks of the land. Bastards! What the heck have I done which is calamitous?

Granted there have been a series of unexplained fatalities at my factory, air pollution in the local vicinity is the worst in Europe, and we’ve been dubbed the “Most Dangerous Factory in the Universe”, but I like to think it’s all going rather well! Okay, so chocolate egg production is 77% behind schedule, but I’m sure we’ll manage it. Hurray!

JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR MORE MADNESS FROM THE EASTER BUNNY!

3 comments

  1. Hippity hop, hoppity hip hip hooray for The Easter Bunny! Keep up the good work! I’m totally a fan & can hardly wait for the next “The Easter Bunny Newsletter”. Your compound sounds fab!!! I’d pay for a tour, if I could get Stuart’s autograph.

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