Welcome, readers, as we return to the largely capricious world of the Tooth Fairy! She’s been super busy of late and has detailed all of her wonderful dealings with teeth below.
Gosh, doesn’t it make you feel wonderful to be alive?! Such emphatic detailing is what makes this world a gloriously splendorous place. Enjoy!
The Exclusive Tooth Fairy Newsletter!
Heya. Sup? So I see a lot of tooth decay these days as part of my tooth fairy duties. Actually, and outrageously, it seems many skint parents are plying their kids with endless amounts of fizzy drinks and sweets in an attempt to rot the teeth out of their mouths.
They then expect big cash rewards for piling half a dozen or so rotten teeth under their children’s pillows. I’m like, WTF?! I’ll give you 20p for this lot, but then the bloody parents get on their high horses and it’s all in the press!
Disparaging News Articles
Look at the below verbatim extract from an article published in tabloid newspaper The Sun last week. This is the type of thing I have to deal with:
Outraged parents have reported the tooth fairy is cheating them of hard earned tooth money. This disgusting behaviour has landed the Tooth Fairy in hot water as parents across the land unite to bring this demented troglodyte to justice. Families such as Manchester’s the Smiths have been left devastated by the short changing. Red hot babe Vicky, 18, a father of 12, and her wife Brian, 40, are financially stricken as the government only hands them £110,000 a year in tax benefits. The couple turned to the Tooth Fairy for additional support by supplying the winged wench with the rotten teeth of their malnourished kids. They were disgusted to find an offering of up to 35 rotten teeth only yielded a tight fisted £1.50, which isn’t enough to buy another pack of budget cola to rot the next round of teeth. Scintillating hottie Vicky said: “I’m ****ing disgusted by this. What is Britain coming to when I can’t rot the teeth out of MY kids so I can traffic the teeth and buy another PS4 to shut the little ****ers up for half an hour?! We need to make Britain great again. Vote UKIP!” Her wife, Brian, wasn’t available for comment as he’d consumed 12 pints of beer and was unconscious on the sofa dribbling on himself.
Combating Tooth Decay
I tend to ignore any moral outrage I cause, which means I’ve responded with a suitably curt “no comment” to The Suns’ contemptible hacks. However, to improve my public image I’ve begun an anti-tooth decay campaign to encourage better mouth health in the UK (I’m not arsed about the rest of the world, tbh).
I’ve begun an aggressive leaflet campaign to get my voice heard. In the leaflet, I suggest the many ways in which one can look after one’s teeth. I expect this will be of great use to parents, many of whom aren’t money scrounging bastards and proactively want to help their children.
The campaign is called The Combatting Tooth Decay Campaign 2016 and a Half (as it’s halfway through 2016 – I don’t want to get confusing and make it out to be earlier in the year). The points I’ve raised include:
- Wear more combats
- Don’t offer your children wire fencing as a toothbrush substitute
- If your toothbrush is over seven months old, it’s time to buy a new one
- Don’t attempt DIY tooth removals with semtex or petrol
- Never use anti-freeze as a toothpaste substitute
- Don’t offer your children gin as a mouthwash
- If your child complains of toothache, don’t punch her/him in the face
- Don’t let your children floss with a kitchen scourer (you can learn more about the kitchen scourer on the link back there)
- If your children complain about having to brush their teeth, tell them nobody will ever love them if they abscond from their aesthetic and physical responsibilities
I distributed my didactic leaflet to GPs and hospitals late last week, but was immediately met with a barrage of caustic dismissals and moral outrage from braindead imbeciles such as trained doctors and other noted healthcare luminaries. I pointed out I was merely trying to be helpful, but this only seemed to fan the flames.
Broadsheet newspaper The Guardian described my behaviour as:
Repugnant to the extreme. This leaflet perambulates polite society and is the action of a vitriolic vulgarian with the intellectual capacity of a philistine and the cultural sensitivity of a boorish illiberal. The Tooth Fairy must be sanctioned for her facinirous behaviour. The parents of the United Kingdom must collaborate to promote the sense of unity which has hereby been tarnished by a scabrous fiend lacking in the grandeur with which one can call oneself a compassionate human being.
It’s quite a posh newspaper so I’m not really sure what any of that lot means. I’m guessing it’s a compliment and proudly view my leaflet campaign as a significant success amongst society’s elite minds.
I’ve even included the quote on the new batch of leaflets I’ve printed off to complement my cause. This all bodes well for the future.