In Praise of Passwords

In praise of passwords
Without one of these, you’d be deluged in some horrifying stuff.

If you’re like us, you’ll no doubt have around 300 separate passwords you have to remember for your regular online activities. It can be an arduous task to store all of that lot in your skull, but let us not even begin to imagine the carnage which would ensue should we not bother with passwords no more.

Passwords were invented in antiquity by people who had to guard important stuff (such as bins) in order to allow amiable bin access. Modern day usage sees passwords standing guard of your online bins, such as your Netflix account, those all important Selfie promoting social things, and your bloody WordPress majigger.

Yes, without a password you’d all be here editing Professional Moron quite freely. Kind of like Wikipedia, but we don’t have a page about crop rotations (not yet, anyway).

How to Create a Good Password

As with humans and other species (such as ferrets), there are good and bad things in the world of passwords. Principally, writing a bad password will get your Netflix account hacked and some vagabond will watch stuff on the cheap. Outrageous, right?

Not quite as bad is your online bank account (if you have one), which could potentially be hacked if you have a poor password such as mybankaccount.  You’d lose all your money and have to live in a ditch or a hedge, which would be embarrassing and probably alienate you from the rest of polite society. Like sneezing without covering your mouth.

Having a good password prevents this. Of course, a moderate password is for those who like to live life a little on the wild side. You could create a password such as password12345 and live on the edge, a blistering world of anxiety driven excitement where a hacker may just get access to your account if they apply a few extra digits. This type of password is the equivalent of having a deep fried donut burger for breakfast.

How to Create a Bad Password

Apparently, it’s weirdly common for people to use password as their password. This just isn’t bad enough, clearly. Thusly, we can recommend listening to a bit of Michael Jackson’s hit single Bad before launching into your password creation, which should get you into the right badness frame of mind (bad, evil, angry, tyrannical, wicked, sinful, devious, satanical and all that).

Suitably inspired, you’ll be able to craft some work or pure unholy badness and never suffer from password related hacking ever again. So long as it’s not password123, you should be okay. Innit.

The Future of Passwords

As technology advances and we leave planet Earth to live on distant stars such as Jupiter, what will happen to the password? The chances are it will become some tangible entity, or perhaps you’ll have passwords grafted into your memory by a laser cannon. Which would be neat.

Whatever happens, we’re sure hackers will be there ready to steal your Selfies you thought you had stored safely on Facebook, because as we advance further into the future (which will be the present, ironically, when it happens, and then the past a few seconds later), you can guarantee your passwords will include the option to self-destruct after three incorrect attempted guesses.

So you might lose your face after the explosion when you’ve forgotten your password, meaning you’ll have to go to the police with your Selfie collection as you’ll be unrecognisable. Man, passwords are so confusing.

4 comments

  1. They are confusing. I have about 5 passwords which I rotate through my various accounts (email/facebook/blog etc). So if one doesn’t work, it’s usually one of the other four. BTW, haven’t see you around my blog lately…is everything OK? Check in…

    Liked by 1 person

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