Exclusive Recipe: Tomato Ketchup Ice Cream!

Tomato ketchup ice cream
Ketchup is, indeed, the blood of tomatoes.

Summer is here and many of you will be sweating uncontrollably as temperatures rise. Either this or you know Independence Day: Resurgence is out soon and you’re delusional enough to believe aliens will be invading the planet shortly. Either way, you’re going to want to cool down with our latest ice cream recipe!

Whilst sardine ice cream is our all time favourite recipe we did, there’s an almighty allure about tomato ketchup ice cream. Why? Well, ketchup is one of those condiments which has transcended condiment status to reach the level of a deity. Indeed, we worship it daily at the altar of tomato soup.

Tomato Ketchup Ice Cream

Ketchup is tomato which has been chupped. Chupping is like chipping at something, except with an upwards motion.  Naturally, the ketchup industry is a cutting edge, brutal world where companies push dramatically to attain increasingly higher quality ketchup.

The main ingredients are normally tomatoes, sugar (or the much catchier “high fructose corn syrup”), vinegar, and seasonings. The new breed of ketchup, dubbed as ketchup 2.0 in the industry, also features small doses of cyanide as a pleasant kick. It’ll also make you dribble a bit.

With tomato ketchup ice cream, there’s no such need to pique the interest of the audience with life and death style gimmicks. Indeed, our new ice cream recipe merely has the following ingredients: tomato ketchup, ice cream, and anti-freeze (to ensure the ice cream doesn’t get really, really frozen – we all know how annoying that is, especially when it’s so frozen it bloody well bends your spoon back).

All one has to do is blend these ingredients together and then stick them into your nearest fridge freezer. Voila! Tomato ketchup ice cream, ideal for any Fish & Chip dinner or burger. It is, however, best consumed on warm summer days as the anti-freeze element will ensure you don’t suffer from hypothermia, a notorious side-effect of sweltering heat waves.

Hypothermia?!

Indeed. Hypothermia occurs when the intense heat causes one to become delusional and sweaty… almost as if one is suffering from some type of heat exhaustion. Luckily, ice cream can cool the body’s core temperature down to normal levels, consequently allowing one to partake in common summer activities such as: complaining about wasps, smelling the BO of provocatively dressed locals, idly picking one’s nose, and complaining about the heat.

As for the taste of this stuff, it’s kind of like consuming really, really chilled tomato ketchup. With more sugar. We’re not sure what you were expecting, but this is the reality of things. Thusly, it’s kind of a gross ice cream – like sardine ice cream, but not as repulsive.

As ice creams go, you’re not going to go picking it above the likes of strawberry ice cream, chocolate, vanilla, or wet dog smell, but you can at least consume it on a hot summers day safe in the knowledge you won’t suffer from crippling frostbite.

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