Our pet hamster, Steve, just turned one and has been living on the premises, as our mathematical abilities duly inform us, for 12 solid months now. As such, it’s time for his annual review to work out if the little git is on target with his KPIs (this post is also a shameless promotion of our Instagram account – follow us for pure awesome!).

We want to be judicious and pragmatic about this, but realise his lack of experience and overriding fascination with all things food related mean he hasn’t quite met some of his KPIs. However, we feel over the following months he will grow as a hamster and achieve his full potential. Let us take a look at his report in full.

Principal Details

• Name: Steve
• Age: 1
• Job: Professional Moron’s office pet
• Main Duty: Being a hamster

Steve is excellent at his job and fulfils every duty you’d expect of a hamster. He looks like a hamster, acts like a hamster, and, indeed, is a hamster. His professionalism is quite something to behold.

Since leaving infanthood and becoming an adult, he’s also taken on many duties you’d expect of a monkey. He can be regularly found hanging upside from the roof of his cage and traversing the bars with wildly athletic gusto. This multi-tasking has impressed us greatly. Full marks – 10/10!

Attitude

Steve is generally on point with his behaviour. His daily attitude is one of relentless inquisitiveness, although this does mean he is a general danger to himself from the moment he emerges into the day at around 10pm.

The result is we have to keep a close eye on him at all times to ensure he’s not doing anything too stupid. Once he’s out of his cage for official playtime, this turns into 24/7 nanny care as, without our guidance, he’d likely gnaw his way out of the premises and trigger off World War III.

We must state, even though he is nocturnal, we find his tardy starts somewhat irritating. He arises just as we go to bed and heads off to bed around 30 minutes after we’ve woken up… is the little bastard avoiding us?! Marks down for this: 7/10.

Presentability & Interests

Steve is typically well presented and spends a lot of his time grooming when not running mindlessly on his wheel. He is never covered in excrement and doesn’t turn up to work hungover – this is better than 20% of the human workforce. Good effort! 9/10.

As a progressive business, we like to highlight our employees as genuine personalities, rather than as mindless drones who are to be exploited with unrelenting abandon. As such, we will summarise Steve’s personality traits.

The young lad has an enthusiastic nature, especially when something relates to food. Indeed, present some food to Steve and his manic enthusiasm places all around him at risk as he annihilates his way towards your latest offering. We’ve decided this trait is endearing, despite it resulting in one incident of partial decapitation for our office apprentice.

Conclusion

Steve was handed a pay rise in the form of a bigger cage earlier this year and will also be occasionally handed double his pumpkin seed rations shortly (two instead of one a day). It’s possible he will become a living legend, although he isn’t set to dethrone our editor as Steve is largely illiterate and uncommunicative.

We’re greatly impressed with him on a whole and have extended his contract for another year. If he can manage to shake himself out of bed for 8pm, we’ll also give him another raise with an extra pumpkin seed! Zomg.