It’s a very windy type of year and many of you will also find you have a kite as one of your Christmas presents. Why not? Kites are hilarious fun – rush on out, fling the thing into the air, watch it momentarily soar, and then it swoops on back and pulverises into your stupid face. Whoopsie!

Kites also have a severe design flaw in how they can, due to a minor mishap, be carried off on the wind to never be seen again. This is the kite, essentially, deciding it has had enough and striking out into the wider world on its own. To remove such sentient autonomy, we’ve created the ConKite, which is part kite, part slab of concrete. It’s a modern marvel!

ConKite

Kites simply have too much freedom. As Mel Gibson says in Braveheart, “FREEDOM!” and then he’s beheaded and whatnot. As you can see, personal freedom will lead to some sort of grisly end, so it’s for the good health of kites across the world they have some restrictions placed upon them.

The best option here is to go for cement and its heavier counterpart – concrete. Cement is, of course, concrete before it is made into concrete, like how bread is pre-toast; this isn’t rocket science, fools, you should have perceived the good intentions behind all of this by now!

Anyway, to make the ConKite all one must do is get a kite and submerge it into cement which has been mixed. Leave to stand for 12 hours and voila! You can even attach blocks of concrete to the ConKite from there to ensure it has all the flying abilities of a stoned walrus.

“Does It Fly At All?!”

Of course it does! LOL! What’s the point of a kite if it can’t fly?! The trick to getting the ConKite into the air is to acquire a large amount of explosives. Bury them under the ConKite, detonate them, and the contraption will go cannoning into the air, meaning it is briefly airborne.

Obviously, as it comes hurtling back down to Earth, you may want to get the hell out of the way, as this is a lethal object when some serious kinetic energy is behind it. Ever had a concrete weight land on top of you? Exactly – no. You steer clear of such outcomes, like how a walrus will so cleverly steer clear of atom bombs. It’s a knack. You’ve either got it, or you haven’t.

Anyway, if you have got it you’ll still be alive and you’ll be sitting here reading this after a joyous occasion with your new ConKite. No need to thank us – we’re simply here to bring innovative joy to the world, no matter how “insanely dangerous” (a police report’s verdict, not our words) some of our creations may appear to be.