Recently we invented the brilliant recipe musturd, but now popcorn is getting the excrement based treatment. We’re not trying to be funny here – scatological humour is for puerile imbeciles who simply can’t comprehend the genius of our inventions. Thusly, with the arrival of poopcorn, we’re expecting more immature giggling.

Indeed, a lot of it came from the Professional Moron office to begin with. This left us somewhat shamefaced, but once we’d overcome this we found, to our delight, poopcorn is easy to make and utterly repulsive. Hurray! There’s nothing quite like indolence induced putrescence.

Poopcorn

Popcorn remains one of those foods which most people love. Indeed, if you met anyone who stated “I hate popcorn”, you would strap them to a go-kart, cover them in jam, jam (ironically) the throttle down, and let them go careering off down the M1. Such is the status of popcorn – if you disrespect it, you must die in horrific agony for your crime.

Poopcorn involves standard popcorn and good old fashioned poop, which you’ll easily be able to find laying about in the street somewhere. Head out with your pooper scooper (such as a bin bag, hoover, or your bare hands – just wash your hands under a cold tap later) and gather this lot, and steal a load of popcorn from your local shop.

With your ingredients safe and sound in your kitchen, bung the poop into a pan and fry it up. Be warned – this will create a quite unholy smell of the first magnitude and it may cause you to black out for a bit. Try and fend off such wimpy behaviour. Battle through your disgust; season the ingredient with pepper and salt if you must.

You can let this all cool down for a bit, so perhaps head outside and retch uncontrollably for a bit until you feel less like Leonardo da Vinci’s character in the Revenant. After this, get the poop and slather it liberally all over your popcorn. Voila – poopcorn!

Marketing Your Product

Naturally, no one you know will want to be within 10ft of the stuff. You’re going to need to hawk you wares with a bit of cunning here. We recommend sealing the poopcorn in a multi-layered plastic bag and informing consumers it’s normal popcorn. They’ll snap it up as if it’s not their worst nightmare – poopcorn!

Again, somewhat naturally, once they’ve taste tasted the product they will return to you with considerable anger. Some of them may be wielding a baseball bat – do not panic in the event of this. Simply politely invite them into your home to discuss the matter, but ensure you have a fresh batch of poopcorn in the making. The vile stench will send them scurrying off back to their pathetic residence never to bother you again! Meantime, you’ve bagged their cash (sell the stuff for £10 a bag). Glorious!