Agony Aunt: “HELP! I’m going bald!! How do I get my hair back?!”

Male pattern balding advice
The bald eagle is balder than you are.

As we get older, certain problems arise which hadn’t arose at an earlier date in the aforementioned life. As men here at Professional Moron, we know about our species’ particular biological foibles, such as beer-induced weight gain, belching, and male pattern balding. We have one of those guys today.

A Bald Tyre

HELP! HELP! HELP! HELP! I’m going bald! I’ve been in denial for the last 12 months but after the barber pointed it out I had a ***ing meltdown and was found a week later sellotaping multiple afro wigs to my cranium. JESUS H CHRIST! To stop this, I went online and tried the following tips: rubbing cat urine on my scalp, drinking a bucket of milk a day, a facelift (I figured if my face looked better, my hair would want to hang around), and letting my teeth rot (I forget why I thought that might work). They all failed dismally. Oh my God! What do I do?! I can’t lose my hair, I’ll look like that horrifically ugly SOB Jason Statham! HELP! Bob

Bob – first of all, whilst panicking insanely is a great solution to many of life’s ills, we can recommend a level head in this scenario. If your hair has had enough of your skull, so be it. It’s like Jack parting from Rose in Titanic, that bit in Last of the Mohicans when Leonardo DiCaprio is grunting, and when you choose jam instead of marmite for breakfast.

Male pattern balding is caused by ageing. The only cure is to get younger, although no one has figured out how to do this yet. As such, you’re going to have to adapt. You can either grow a beard, shave it off, and glue the results to your head, or man up and start shaving your skull with a 10″ cutthroat razor.

The Bald Eagle

If you’re looking for inspiration, think about the bald eagle. These poor SOBs are bald from day one; not once do they feel the wind blasting through their hair, or the joy of not bathing for a few days and seeing their mane turn into a malodorous, greasy mess. Now that is missing out on life.

Other things have endured balding with great nobleness, of course: Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis, Wayne Rooney, and John Travolta. The latter two have been so brave about it, they got hair transplants at the meagre price of around $70,000. If you’re loaded, perhaps head to your nearest hair clinic and demand they stitch hair into your hairless scalp.

You can always try a DIY approach, of course – all you need is a plastic knife, somebody’s hair (if you have a wife, use hers – women have too much head hair, anyway), and a knitting needle. Laboriously stitch each new hair into your skull. In between bouts of passing out through blood loss and agony, you’ll soon find yourself with a beautiful head of hair.

Nose Hair

Whilst your head hair may be disappearing, Bob, find numerous assurances in how your nose, ear, and knuckle hair will continue to grow unabated. Revel in this newfound non-skull hairiness and head out into society with an enormous grin on your face. You are the master of your hair – control your destiny, Bob! All the best.


  1. Dear Agony,
    Excellent advice!
    However, I am a tad surprised that you didn’t mention donning a feather hat. Bald Eagles might be bald, but they have feathers.
    As a woman, I would love to run my fingers through feathers.


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