Exclusive Invention: The Chainsore

The Chainsore
Whilst the chainsore causes horrific injuries, it negates this with a special cream.

The chainsore has been invented in the attempt to alleviate people who are sore in certain places. Much like a chainsaw, it can be revved up and the chain bit will begin whizzing around like an evil dervish. However, the difference here is the chainsore has a special ointment rubbed onto the chain, which ensures an individual receives excellent medical treatment when rubbing the chainsore against a sore.

Naturally, as the saw will start shredding into human flesh with wild abandon, this creates a new injury of far greater concern than the previous sore, but this is negated by the awesome cream which is spread on the chainsore. That stuff will cure any ailment you have, don’t you worry your cotton socks!

The Chainsore

Harsh critics have suggested the chainsore causes a superfluous amount of additional injuries and agony in the face of a trivial sore. We put it to you as follows – can you find a better way to rub cream onto a sore? One delusional doctor said a finger would suffice, but this is 2017, man! Fingers are boring – chainsaws are exciting!

Medical advances should also be about being trendy, not just limited to the banal notion of helping people. It also helps alleviate personal embarrassment. Who, in their right mind, would confidently announce in public they have a sore ankle? Bring the chainsore into the mix, get it revving like crazy, and thrust at your lower extremity, and you’re suddenly the talk of the town!

Naturally, this is a smart-chainsore, featuring an inbuilt CPU which monitors revs per second (RPS), trending chainsore activity across the globe based on customisable user-interaction, a 12-megapixel camera which will forward images to your social media accounts or nearest medical facilities, and a microphone to record your screams of considerable trauma.

“Can’t I Just Go To My Doctor?”

Haven’t you been paying attention?! Why do that when you have the chainsore? This bespoke device will eradicate all injuries. If you lose a limb in the process of using it, the ointment (it’s Professional Moron’s secret recipe, all we can detail is it includes petrol) will cauterise your open wound, ensuring you recover as and when you need to.

The chainsore hasn’t been invented to nullify doctors, although we do intend to bring about further chainsaw-esque medical objects in future to assist with peoples’ day-to-day health care activities, such as tooth brushing, combing one’s hair, and gargling mouthwash.

Rest assured, personal safety is a priority for Professional Moron. Although the chainsore can be dangerous to use, we’ve stuck a warning label on the side to ensure kids won’t use it. Additionally, it runs on diesel and belches thick plumes of black pollution into the air, which ensures you’ll have some privacy if you need to use it in public. It’ll be available in stores priced £1,000 ($1,500) shortly.

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