Great TV Shows That Never Were: Chores (like Cheers, but tedious)

Chores the TV show
What a chore.

In the past, we’ve suggested Chers would be a good spinoff for hit ‘80s sitcom Cheers (whoever needed Frasier?). In that one, a load of Chers went about doing their thing, but our second spinfoff, Chores, would focus on the more mundane aspects of daily life – cleaning stuff up using various implements.

Now, a lot of Chores can be seen going on in Cheers, with Woody Harrelson often making stupid comments whilst cleaning pint glasses. Chores, consequently, would focus in on the incredibly mundane elements of the characters’ lives, such as hoovering, cleaning the toilet, mopping up the floor, or wiping vomit off the bar. It would be a real treat!

Chores

The show would be set in the ‘80s on the same timeline as Cheers; all the cast is welcome to return and reprise respective roles, although extensive use of makeup and CGI will be required to get everyone looking 30 years younger.

Bebe Neuwirth, so awesome as Lilith, won’t have any issues, however, as at 60 she’s still looking pretty epic. Frankly, Kelsey Grammer looks better than ever with his beard and close-shaven skull… so maybe all the cast can just turn up and the viewers will just pretend it’s the 1980s all over again.

As you can see, we’ve not fully realised our vision for Chores yet. We do, however, know it will consist of little dialogue, but plenty of chores. The 30 minute episodes would focus on the likes of Frasier Crane hoovering his apartment, Ted Dansen styling his hair infront of a mirror, and Woody clogging his toilet and spending 20 minutes with his arm up the u-bend.

As aforementioned, there would be little dialogue, but there would be grunts of disgust, contemptuous remarks about the pointlessness of existence, heaving sighs of relief, and other comments such as, “Shit, how did that get there?! Huh!” – all of it would make for riveting, prime time television of the highest calibre!

Famous Episodes

Based on our conceptual ideas, we have some episodes which would be real award winners; emotional hotspots that would hit a core nerve with viewers who’ve ever had to empty a pint glass after a patron has taken a gulp and puked right back into it. Here are a few of the best:

  • Dicky Tummy: Woody eats a dodgy burger and spends 15 minutes groaning in agony on his toilet, before attempting to get all that lot the Hell out of there (made worse by a disgusted hot date sitting in his living room listening to his groans of dismay). Scatological humour at its finest.
  • Frasier’s Frames: Frasier spends 30 minutes humming a symphony as he rearranges all of the picture frames in his flat, ensuring they’re just about right.
  • Lilith’s Lamps: Lilith buys several new lamps and spends 25 minutes arranging them around her home. Content with the results, the final five, award-winning minutes of the episode close with her sitting on her sofa and reading a magazine.
  • Ted’s Teddies: It’s revealed ladies’ man Ted Dansen has a big teddy bear collection. All 30 minutes are spent with him as he obsesses over how to arrange his teddy bears by order of favourite, with Dansen only speaking once all episode to say: “Well fuck me sideways, I can’t decide which one is my outright favourite!”.
  • Puke: A stag party in the pub goes wrong and the staff spends the whole episode cleaning up in total silence.

Award-winning, contemplative, introspective, moving, grotesque, and impossibly dull, Chores would redefine television and help you understand why you watch it in the first place – to take your mind off having to hoover the bloody stairwell.

4 comments

  1. Well, well, you might be onto something, again. I actually feel like vacuuming (what you call hoovering) and cleaning the bathroom! Off I go!

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