Agony Aunt: “HELP! Should I perform PDAs in public?!”

Public displays of affection (PDAs) are evil
Get out of the way, you’re spoiling the view!

One of the most controversial issues in modern life is the PDA – the public display of affection. Many a couple has been forced to ask itself: “Should we grope each other in public, or will it annoy everyone else?” – rest assured, it annoys everyone else and, at its worst, it can be a life-threatening hazard. However, this is a liberal world we live in… so should these reprobates be tolerated, despite their obnoxious behaviour?


Hi there, Professional Moron. My name is Susie but you can call me Susan. I have a difficult problem and issue which is casting a dark cloud over my relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve been disappointed he has a small todger, but WORSE is he doesn’t do no PDAs. My girlfriends have their boyfriends and they ain’t got no problems and they often stand around outside off-licences having PDA-offs, seeing how far they can push the boundaries of public decency. Up to 30 of them are often there going at it like rabbits, blocking the entrance and pissing off a load of customers and the shop owner. I need to be a part of this! I’m a social outcast! I’m alienated from my besties! Should I do PDAs?! How do I make my man grab me inappropriately? Ta - Susie

Hi there, Susan. Whilst we hate to be pedantic, we should point out, by writing “PDAs in public”, you’ve essentially committed the cardinal sin of tautology. Public displays of affection – you don’t need to further qualify this with your “in public” bit, do you? Maybe, in future, you’ll be a little less fatuous and this can all kick off in a streamlined fashion.

PDAs are a tough one for many couples as they wonder if they’re being vile, disruptive, offensive, or just plain old nauseating. Truth be told, as opposed to truth not be told (i.e. lying), PDAs make your average citizen want to vomit. However, it is your right to be grabbed inappropriately by your boyfriend, so we have a few tactics in mind to speed up your relationship.

Tart it Up

The best advice we can offer is to tart it up; slap on the slap, wear provocative clothing, and parade about looking the part. Your boyfriend, unless he’s a latent homosexual misguidedly attempting to fit in amongst his peers by adhering to societal norms, won’t be able to resist you and will plunge the depths of perversity before you can say, “Maybe we shouldn’t be standing here, we’re blocking the doorway and there’s a mile long queue of angry citizens stretching down the street”.

Tarting it up has other benefits, too, such as promoting misogynistic behaviour from other men as they objectify you. In other words, you’ll have obese, sweaty, and hairy builders wolf whistling you as you walk the streets. This may incense your boyfriend, who will suddenly grab you for an impromptu PDA-off right there and then to show the sweaty man blokes covered in cement who owns this babe. Bonus.

PDAs and PEDs

For safety reasons and clarity, it’s important we separate PDAs from PEDs (performance enhancing drugs). However, we have noted PEDs are great for those wishing to really go for it with their PDAs, as it supplies the stamina they’ll need for lengthy fondling sessions as they block entrances into buildings, supermarket aisles, cinema entrances etc.

As such, we can recommend all manner of PEDs, such as dopamine, which will really boost your abilities to keep the good ship Fondle in order. Then it’s simply down to you to ensure your lipstick and mascara are shipshape, whilst your man bloke can get a painful and unnecessarily dangerous penis enlargement operation to ensure he’s more manly than ever. Best of luck, Susan!


  1. As fun as tarting it up is, as a more mature women I believe I can PDA it up better than young tarts, and all without the tarty tarting. You see, I’ve learned to make tarts….. the fruit type with melt in your mouth crust. A couple of these tarts, and he is all mine, anywhere, anytime.
    Of course as a mature woman I prefer EDA… Elevator Displays of the Afflicted. It’s quite easy, as one pushes the stop button between floors. When done, one simply pushes the S-tart button.
    I’m all worked up, now. Time to make tarts!


    • Yotam Ottolenghi’s Cauliflower Cake is the preference for me. It’s not a tart, it’s not even really a cake, but it is rather glorious. Not made it in, like, 5 years though.

      It’s almost summer. Got to get my skirt collection together. Or man pants. Whatever.


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