Candy floss is enough to conjure up youthful memories in most people, with the thought of summer afternoons spent having fun with family and friends, followed by rotten tooth based agony as you forgot to brush them and your dad had to yank some out using a pair of pliers. If only there was a way to floss your teeth whilst enjoying candy floss… then you wouldn’t have an agonising memory like that imprinted in your brain matter.

As this is Professional Moron, nothing is out of our range of possibilities! As is a favourite pastime of ours, we’ve combined brilliant inventions/recipes together to double up and save everyone a load of time. Thusly, candy floss floss is floss which is also an excellent floss substitute with a lovely, utterly overpowering minty fresh quality to it. Yummy!

Candy Floss Floss

Now, some of you may argue candy floss should taste like candy, not a load of floss bundled together so the mint taste comes flying out. Well, dears, life isn’t often fair and candy floss floss exists to hit this premise home to you – right in your stupid gob!

It’s a compromise – you get that candy floss kick, but you also get the floss kick. Now, one notable downside to candy floss floss is you can’t eat it. It’s more like bubble gum – you chew on it and then, once the flavour is gone and the floss is slicing up your gums, you gob it out onto the floor. Obviously, if you want real candy floss you’ll have to buy, and eat, real candy floss. However, as already expounded, this has a 99% probability of rotting your teeth and leaving you writhing in agony.

The only option is to pay us £100 ($150) a time for candy floss floss! “Why the expense!?”, we hear you grunt! Well, ever bought a load of floss things, emptied out the container, and joined them all together? It takes time, effort, and sometimes when you run that lot through the candy floss making machine, the floss gets jammed, causing the machine to overheat and (on some occasions, if left unattended) explode with considerable violence. You don’t want that – it badly burns the candy floss and floss.

“Can’t I Just Eat Candy Floss and then Floss?”

LOL! Foolish, naïve fool. As previously indicated, life doesn’t quite work in this way. One, typically, eats candy floss when one is on a fairground – far away from your bathroom sink and your lovingly arranged array of toothbrushes. From our research, we’ve established that, once you’ve eaten candy floss, you have less than one week to return home to brush your teeth and save yourself form decay.

Now, you must ask yourself – is that enough? A badly timed stumble, for instance, could delay you, as would a number of other mishaps, such as a kidnapping, a brain aneurism, gout, alien abduction, or lack of funds to purchase a toothbrush and toothpaste. Are you seriously telling us you can avoid all of the above, return home safely, and brush your teeth? Exactly.

To help you along, as we’re generous sorts, every candy floss floss you buy from us, you’ll also be handed a complimentary shotgun. You’ll be able to fend off alien invaders and whatnot in order to enjoy your candy floss floss, before returning home safely to be able to brush your teeth as well (as we all know, flossing just isn’t enough).