Have you ever wanted to look into the past? What would you want to do – visit the dinosaurs? See the pyramids being built? Cop a load of Marlon Brando singing in the shower? Boring! How about seeing a complete historical record of every conversational filler you’ve ever used?! Proper ZOMG, right? This is exactly what you can do with the PastErr invention!
Simply mosy on down to the Professional Moron office, strap yourself into the comfortable (you get a cushion) PastErr seat, and we’ll insert a ramrod up your left nostril to map out your brain matter. In a matter of minutes, we’ll be able to print off a complete record of every single time you ever used an “er”, “um”, “you know”, or “erm”! Master the art of conversation today and ensure you know what you’re doing during talk time.
The PastErr seat (technically dubbed the Conversational Filler Finder ZXV) is made out of the finest steel we could steal. Using fancy technological stuff, our computer uses radioactive radio waves to violently search through your brain matter in order to locate your memories.
It then sifts through the rubbish (marriage vows, Facebook posts, selfies taken, kids being born etc.) to locate your mumbling and grumbling. Mr. Wapojif, for example, turned out to have used 30 million conversational fillers during his 32 years! He insisted we print that lot out twice to make sure, resulting in thousands of pages of wasted paper. Thankfully, he’s an environmentalist – he burned the lot with petrol in the back garden to stop it clogging up a landfill.
Using our service is entirely safe – after your brain scan, you’ll only have a crushing migraine for days after your visit. Additionally, you may begin seeing bright red spots dancing before your eyes – this is nothing to worry about, it’s merely a minor brain aneurysm. It will pass. What matters is you have full access to your “erm” records!
“Why on Earth would I want to see all of that crap?” is what one customer asked us. Simple – you’ll be able to transform your conversation skills with our help! Banish your use of “erm” et al from all conversations by understanding your conversational foibles! Master free-flowing chit chat, bag your dream job, hook up with that hot dude, and lead the life of a genius as you glide through conversations like a duck gliding through a debate about quacking.
Better yet, we’ll even supply you with a complimentary bowl of pasta once you’ve had your brain scan. All of this for only £500 ($600)! Please note, you will also have to sign a legal waiver before we scan your brain. Long term effects of using our service aren’t know, but you will, at least, be able to get through a sentence without stuttering like an imbecile, you know?