Breaking News: British National Anthem to be Rewritten!

UK national anthem to be rewritten
Let’s get patriotic!

The British national anthem is to be rewritten “so it’s not as rubbish”, according to one of our sources. There has been longstanding criticism of the current anthem, God Save the Queen, which was penned circa 1619 and has been in variation, across several countries, ever since (mainly due to the British Empire; at one time, the British had a fondness for invading other countries – thankfully, we don’t do this anymore!).

It’s become apparent in a multicultural society, however, many are dissatisfied with the lyrics, melody, pace, and overall message of the anthem. Described as “dreary” by some critics and “unmitigated bullshit” by others, the calls for it to be spruced up may be adhered to, although pro-monarchy supporters were quick to call for sedition charges to be made and supporters of the new anthem to be executed in the streets by hanging.

New Anthem Entries

The new anthem was open to all submissions from UK citizens and Professional Moron has enjoyed exclusive access to many of the penned ditties. UK grime rapper, Big Bob (who is, ironically, diminutive), is believed to be behind one creation known as Da Yew K. The lyrics read as follows:

I iz from da yew K, but that don't mean I iz gay, it just means I'm not ofay, cos if I were I'd be gay, which I am no way! [30 second beatbopping solo] I'm all man, like a big white van, or a frying pan, just like me gran, who likes to eat flan. 

[Chorus] Da yew K! Yew K? Da yew K iz K! Aiiiiie! Brap brap!

Big Bob’s entry has, it is believed, been turned down, which has led the singer to accuse the UK government of being “racist bastards”. The government denies the accusation.

Vomit inducing tweeny pop singers Jedward also proposed a song. Called The Lovely Jubbly UK, it has lyrics which read as follows, with the words running on a repetitive loop until it all ends after four minutes of hellish torture:

The UK is lovely. It’s lovely jubbly. It makes us all giddy [pause] and cuddly. Wicky wicky! Wicky wicky lovely jubbly UK, where the jubbly is as lovely as the cuddly. Whoop whoop! Dance! Dance! Whoo!

Elsewhere, cult death metal band Fecal Puke Death Sandwiches also promoted a 10 minute instrumental jam on its website. The anthem, simply named FUCK, has been deemed inappropriate for a national anthem. Some of the lyrics are:

I was born in the UK, but I wish I hadn't. GRRRRRRRR! I grew up in the UK, but I wish I hadn't. GRRRRRRR! I went to school in the UK, but I wish I hadn't. GRRRRRRRR!

[Chorus] FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! BASTARD! GRRRRR!

Royal Response

The Queen has universally condemned all of the tracks, period, and it is believed everyone who dared to enter their songs will be executed by hanging, drawing, and quartering. This move was gratefully accepted by the nihilist members of Fecal Puke Death Sandwiches, who issued the following statement:

"Despite popular belief to the contrary, we are patriots who simply put on a subversive front. We are, however, nihilists and we will gladly die for King, Queen, and country. May our putrid, impaled limbs rot atop spikes spread liberally across London!"

It is believed the Queen has graciously accepted this martyrdom for the cause. It later emerged the 91 year old, contemptuous of her subjects’ efforts, will write the new national anthem herself. We’ve been lucky enough to get hold of one of Her Majesty’s first drafts, leaked to us by the official equerry:

She is the Queen, not Mr. Bean, but she isn't very mean, she loves her country, like a big old numpty, but what she loves most, even more than a Sunday roast...

[Chorus] Is corgies, not orgies, but corgies! Yeah! The corgi, the dog, not the bog! Rock on! The Queen. Yeah! Your Overlord!

We applaud the Queen for her contemporary effort and hope to God she is able to complete this masterpiece in time for some big new event. Bless you, ma’am!

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