Mental action film Face/Off hits 20 in November, which makes us feel a bit older because we were almost 12 when it came out. Starring Nicolas Cage on batshit crazy awesome form, and John Travolta doing a damn good job as well, it’s one of the most idiotic, ridiculous, and impossible high concept films from the 1990s – that’s why we love it!

From one of the most memorable scenes, protagonist Travolta (who is “in” antagonist Nic Cage’s body) says he would like to take his face off. Hmmm… well, we guess that’s a novel thing to do to somebody, but wouldn’t it sting a bit, weird Cage/Travolta hybrid thing? We guess he was thinking of the wrong thing, so maybe he meant…

I’d like to take his face… off

The original in all its glory. In this scene, Travolta/Cage took some drugs and is having a bit of a problem handling it, which leads to this disturbing concept. Far out, man. We always liked Cage’s hair in this film, too.

I’d like to take his staircase… off

Surely one of the worst things and middle class, modern man could do is remove the staircase from another man’s home? Can you imagine the emasculated feeling the other guy would have? “Omg… he took my staircase off!” – he’d never be the same again.

I’d like to call his sack race… off

Cancel a man’s sack race and you’ll destroy his concept of the American Dream. Gone is his ability to entertain his kids – further emasculation. The horror of the local neighbourhood sneering down at him.

I’d like to call his typeface… off

You’d be really annoyed with this one – “But I spend ages working on it!” and they’d be all, “Too bad, mate, it’s off”. Bastards.

I’d like to use his aerospace to take… off

That’s not on, man, you don’t go using other peoples’ aerospace for your personal leisure activities. Build your own!

I’d like to take the human race… off

Jesus… that’s a bit misanthropic, we don’t think that’ll stand with a mainstream audience, dude.

I’d like to take his electronic database… off

Well, that’s going to adversely affect his profit margins now, isn’t it? You vile scum!

I’d like to take his small computer system interface… off

Okay… but how will he send emails after that? He won’t be able to?! That’s despicable behaviour!

I’d like to take his ankle brace… off

What if his sprained ankle hasn’t properly healed, though? That’s going to really sting a bit. This guy really is an evil nutcase.

I’d like to take his arms race… off

Now that’s just party pooping behaviour, everyone loves a good old terrifying arms race! How else do you think the public is kept in its place?!

I’d like to take his bass… off

Why, isn’t he a very good player? Maybe stick him on the drums instead.

I’d like to take plaice… off the menu

Okay, so he’s a vegetarian? Or he doesn’t want to die of mercury poisoning? It’s just I carefully prepped this plaice and it’s marinated for 24 hours in arsenic to ensure he dies a horrible death. Whatever… veggie burgers it is, then.

I’d like to take his brace… off

Oh okay, is that why Travolta has a bit of a weird grin in this film? If they took his brace off it’d ruin his life, we guess. Good thinking, evil despot!

And finally…

I’d like to take his vase… off the mantelpiece

Damn straight! It might get knocked off, or something. Stick it on a coffee table or something where people can comment about how shapely it is.