Having tackled manspreading, it appears men are back to be even more annoying with their bloody mansplaining. For the record, this is when a man, believing a woman to be stupid, explains something laboriously to showcase his brilliance. Why it’s enough to make any morally decent individual want to punch the mansplainer violently in the face! How do you handle it, then, ladies?

Mansplaining

Hello, Professional Moron. I've been dating this guy for three weeks now and I think I'm in love with him. I think so, anyway, because he makes me feel all funny inside, although maybe that's just my inner repulsion at his hairy back. For now, I'll go along with the love thing because that's nicer. Anyway, what he does do, though, which I hate, like, is mansplaining. Now I'm no militant feminist or anything and I find men are generally pretty useful for putting up shelves and buying me stuff, but it gets a bit patronising. Last week, like, I crashed my Volvo into a ditch when I was drunk and he went off on the biggest mansplain you can imagine! He was saying "you shouldn't drink and drive!" and all this stuff. Bollocks to him! I'm a woman and I do whatever the Hell I want. So how do I make him realise this and stop him mansplaining? Thanks - Sandra

Hi there, Sandra. If you can overlook the fact we’re men and this response, technically, is a mansplain, then we recommend you read on for detailed advice. It’s not our desire to mansplain at Professional Moron, but sometimes it simply happens as we’re, by default, men. Only a sex change operation will be able to cure this. If you’d like us to do this, please fund the operation and Miss Wapojif will be able to respond to you without being a condescending SOB within a few months. Until then, we’ll respond as normal.

The reason men mansplain is for simple evolutionary reasons – as many women are physically incapable of doing things such as drink driving (which men are much more adept at), men will interject where necessary to flout their superiority and land a date. It is every man’s desire to procreate, so to do this he must flaunt his manly skills, make a lady swoon, and then go for a date at KFC where he can describe why he loves football and belching. It’s the way the world should be.

Femsplaining

The only way to stop him from mansplaining is to femsplain like it’s the summer of 1969. These combatting forces tangibly lock horns in the dark matter around you, which will negate his mansplaining desire and ensure he becomes more of a desirable individual. Whilst some men dismiss femsplaining as “nagging”, it’s important to establish boundaries in a relationship which shouldn’t be crossed, such as not criticising you for demolishing your vehicle in a drunken frenzy.

Depending on how obstinate your man is, though, your femsplaining may simply lead to you and his mansplaining locking horns. This leads to what is known as an “argument”. Typical activities during one of these include:

• Raised voices
• Profanity
• Fits of rage
• Irrationality
• Ad hominem
• Embarrassing hysterics
• Fisticuffs

Rest assured, if he is winning the argument, simply burst into tears to make him feel really bad about himself. He’ll then soothe you with soothing platitudes such as “it’ll be okay, babe”, “look, I’ll make it up to you, I’ll buy you a Ferrari, babe”, “don’t cry, babe”, or just “babe”. His defensive verbal barrage of “babe” will indicate you’ve won, so to hammer the point home ensure you insist on watching the 1995 film Babe that same evening, during which you can quip “That’ll do, pig” at a key moment. The man – destroyed!