Star Wars: “Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!” Quote Off Extravaganza!

Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back - Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking, Nerf herder
You know, if Luke had just called Darth a “Nerf herder” maybe the Empire would have collapsed a Hell of a lot faster.

Star Wars – dah dah DAH, dah dah DAH, DAH DAHH daddle le dah dah! If you’re something of a geek, then the wars in the stars will likely be on your list known as Stuff I Like. If not, then you’re probably mentally unstable and prefer stuff like, you know, Doctor Who – a show we’ve never been able to stand. Seriously, all that hoo-hah about the next Doctor being a woman… we think it should have been a giraffe!

Anyway, the much missed Carrie Fisher is awesome in the films as the kick-ass Princess with attitude and strange hair. Hunk of the month Harrison Ford isn’t having much of it, though, which leads to one of the greatest insults in the history of cinema, even though nobody knows what a nerf herder is (it’s a special type of toothpaste, we believe). But… what if she’d said something else?

Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!

Here’s the original in all its glory. Now, the Star Wars films don’t feature any real swearing. At all. We mean, there’s not even a “Bloody hell!” in there from the extremely English Alec Guinness. Even the Americans can’t ramp it up with some truly profane language – we guess in a galaxy far, far away, a long time ago, obscenities were somewhat tame. This is a shame as it would have been great to see Darth Vadar dropping f bombs: “No. I am your f***ing father, you f***ing dips***” etc. Classy, Darth.

Nerf herder!

Han Solo

This simplifies things, but is it really that good of an insult? We mean, it doesn’t exactly look like Han Solo is about to go blubbing to his mummy, does it? He seems positively unimpressed. Indeed, this is one of the few occasions in the trilogy when the Princess really does lose her ship, although she does get off with her brother in the same scene shortly afterward (to be fair, George Lucas hadn’t decided they were related by this point). A bad day at the office, Princess.

Git!

Nerf herder Han Solo

A more traditional, cost-effective insult which would have saved a lot of time and, in retrospect, been a touch more demonstrative of the Princess’ genuine hatred of Han Solo (whom she later married).

Poopy pants!

Han Solo

You go, girl! I can see the Empire quaking in its boots after a slur like that.

Following close analysis, I find your obstreperous disposition to be sanctimonious, vacuous, malodorous, and your other defining personality trait leaves you analogous to a nerf herder, which I can assure you is not in your best interests.

Nerf herder Han Solo

This would have been the scholarly approach, had the Princess been, like, a philosophy lecturer in her spare time, or something.

Bastard!

Han Solo

Or, you know, keep it nice and simple as with the other insults above. Han Solo couldn’t point out it’s ad hominem, you see, as that’s Latin and a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Latin hadn’t existed yet. Bonus, Princess!

I say, tidy up your act!

Nerf herder Han Solo

This is the British way of putting it, but seeing as Alec Guiness didn’t bother in the first film there’s no reason to wheel it out later on.

Why are you a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder?

Han Solo

Sometimes, Princess Leia, being confrontational isn’t the best way to approach a dilemma. Indeed, a well-timed question could work wonders for your interpersonal relationships.

You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf herder!

Nerf herder Han Solo

Why the “why”, Princess Leia? We can’t help but feel this was anything but wasted energy at a time when she needed every shred of it available to her. Foolish girl.

Why you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf gun!

Nerf Gun

In the 1990s, as a kid, it was all about nerf guns. Man, they were so cool! The Princess is right, though. There’s no room for a scruffy-looking nerf gun in the rebellion.

And finally…

I love you and I want to have your babies!

Han Solo

All that brooding tension in the name of what, exactly? Later in the film Solo and Leia finally have a groping session, but everything up until then was just two belligerent sorts hurling insults back and forth. You’ve got to swoon at true love when you see it.

3 comments

  1. Not a big fan of Star Wars…..{{{yawn}}} although any of the quote offs here is an improvement.
    Do you have any quote offs in the Star Trek (original TV series or movies) genre?

    Like

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