Following a global petition staged by everyone with the forename Fred, popular fresh cheese product fromage frais will be renamed fromage Fred. The petition received 35 million signatures, including several million from individuals named Freda, with the unanimous decision forcing the United Nations to forward the motion into passing. It is believed the 14th August will, from this day forth, be known as International Fromage Fred Day.
Fromage frais is also referred to as a fromage blanc, which has led former Friends star Matt LeBlanc to become the leading spokesperson for the movement. It is believed he stated this morning: “I may be called Matthew, but if I wasn’t I would certainly be called Frederick.” There have been international celebrations, and riots, in celebration, and condemnation, of the name change.
Parties commenced in London this morning, with Right Said Fred appearing for a planned 24 hour cyclical loop performance of the ’90s hit I’m Too Sexy. The party atmosphere was palpable as Professional Moron joined in the festivities, with much merriment, laughter, and jollification to be seen throughout the city.
Anti-fromage Fred protesters were in evidence, however, with several million Franks in attendance to condemn the UN’s announcement. Frank Frankson, leader of the Fromage Frank movement (which fought for the name change to be fromage Frank, as opposed to fromage Fred), stated:
"It is a great injustice which has been perpetrated on the Franks of this world. This egregious abuse of people called Frank has gone on too long, with the Freds of this world favoured over Frankkind - I stand before you as a Frank condemned to a life of obscurity, ridiculed by a cheese product which, by divine right, should have my birth name stamped upon it!"
By the afternoon, millions of drunken Fred revellers violently clashed with the gathered Franks, which led to Hellish scenes as a large scale riot took over England’s capital. One stunned observer observed: “I’ve not never seen so many people called Frank and Fred beating the shit out of each other. I were quite alarmed, me.” The riot lasted for two hours before bemused police officers arrived with water cannons in an attempt to break up the melee.
Appealing for Clams
In a live television statement, Prime Minister Theresa May appealed for clams in a moment of mispronunciation which will go down in legend, before correcting herself after indulging in some gorgonzola on a cracker. Her appeal for calm fell on deaf ears, which is what necessitated the use of water cannons. Mrs May is believed to have said: “It is okay, the taxpayers are paying for it. Mwah. Mwahahaha. Mwahahahahahah!” – she was also seen an hour later cackling insanely for no apparent reason.
An hour after her broadcast, well-meaning, but confused, St. John Ambulance staff had rushed 20 tonnes of fresh clams to London in an attempt to calm everyone down. Despite offering rioters a fresh clam as a reward for stopping fighting, this merely enraged the hordes of Freds and Franks. Consequently, London is engulfed in chaos to the tune of “I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts”, but at least there will be no clam shortages tomorrow.