Exclusive Invention: Cannedles – Convenient Candles in a Can

Canned candles
Urgh, these things are so INCONVENIENT!

If you’re the type of person who enjoys lighting candles and taking in the whole candle experience, then you’ll know just how burdensome, wayward, heavy, obnoxious, and pervasive candles can be. Indeed, there often simply isn’t enough room to fit candles into your shopping basket, leaving you to curse the day no one decided to make buying candles in bulk much easier.

Step in Professional Moron! Yes, as on-and-off again candle aficionados, we know how to solve your candle-based dilemmas. The solution, as it turned out, was so simple we had to sit down for a few minutes to get our breath back. Yes, canned candles! Candles, in a can! Cannedles! It’s so ingenious our brains almost melted – the ability to can the product, in bulk, with the minimum of fuss has far reaching implications for the candle industry. Join the revolution!

Cannedles

The candles are canned at our canning factory, which is located in the garage next to the Professional Moron office in Manchester. Our construction line consists of several conveyor belts which blast the candles along the production line at 50mph into the Canning Candles O’Meter (TM), which cans the candles by jamming 100 candles into a can the size of a baked beans tin.

It does this, and we’re happy to share our trade secrets for the greater good of candle fans, with a series of anvils which crush down on the products and ensure they’re squished in nice and compactly. With this out of the way, a gelatinous extract is then slopped into the can by our office apprentice, before the can is sealed and put into storage.

The gelatinous extract ensures the candles have a half-life of 2,000 years, which is plenty of time for you to be able to enjoy this product during your lifetime. The cannedles, it has been noted, are slightly more crushed up then other store bought candles, but this is a necessity brought about by the need to crush the life out of them to get them into the can. Got a problem with that? Go and buy “normal” candles – we’ll be there to point and laugh at you as you struggle home burdened with excessive, wayward, and troublesome loose candles.

Unpacking Your Candles

One opens the can like one would any other can, you can then empty the candles into a sieve and wash the gelatinous sludge off them. After you’ve dried them off, arrange them around your house and set fire to the candles as you normally would (i.e. the bit that sticks up from the candle, light that with a match – feel free to use a spare flamethrower to get this blaze going).

As a further note, to open the cannedles can you will need a can opener. The patented Professional Moron cannedles can open can be purchased alongside your cannedles for an additional £10 ($15) – this implement resembles a chainsaw as, essentially, it is. Simply rev the device and severe the lid from the cannedles roof to gain access to the products. Enjoy!

3 comments

  1. Is it necessary to remove the cannedles from the can? Could I just saw off the top, rinse off the slime and treat it as one giant candle that would last for months, even years?

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