Steve the Hamster: 2017 Progress & KPI Report

Steve the Hamster
Despite the occasional wheel tipping temper tantrum, Steve has been very well behaved all year long.

Steve, our office pet, has hit the ripe old age of two! Congratulations are in order, but this doesn’t mean we’re not going to critique his performance as a hamster throughout 2017. No – our assessments have taken in personality, personal performance, commitment, cuteness, ability, aptitude, and mental stability.

We’re happy to report Steve has excelled as a hamster during the year. He hasn’t once deviated from his commitment to hamster-kind. However, as he is now essentially an old age pensioner, his daily food amount has been upped and he’s being given a double helping of daily hamster treats – he’s really burning the candle at both ends in his twilight years.

Steve the Hamster

Steve the #hamster in action yesterday morning. An intrepid hero right there.

A post shared by Mr. Wapojif (@professional_moron) on

Over the last two years, Steve has remained steadfast in his resolution. He is a hamster. He has perfected his hamstery art to perfection. This year, his main duties have included foraging, running in his wheel, eating, and sleeping. He has had the occasional temper tantrum, such as when he tipped his second wheel over, but other than this has remained committed to his workload and duties.

Steve started losing the fur on his behind this year – to combat this hamster pattern balding, his dose of immune happy foods was upped and, magically, the fur has since returned! Steve is, indeed, a magic hamster capable of channeling the transmundane nature of reality. We’re half expecting him to sprout wings and take to the skies next!

As you can see in the above clip, he remains as sprightly as ever in his old age and never shies away from any of the food he’s handed. His lust for variety in life, and refusal to be a picky eater, is most heartening to see. We rejoice a little inside when we see this, but condemn those who refuse to, for instance, enjoy a bit of raw carrot every now and then.

Future

Steve the #hamster enjoying some hamster chocolate. 🐹#Hamsters

A post shared by Mr. Wapojif (@professional_moron) on

Steve will likely join hamster heaven by the end of this year but, ultimately, what Steve should be remembered for is his lust for food, vice-like hamster grip, general enthusiasm, and inquisitive nature. For Steve, there’s never a moment when one can’t be an intrepid little trooper. In this age of cynicism and selfies, we believe this is a most noble stance and we heartily applaud the furry little git for this.

2 comments

  1. He is so adorable!!! I don’t understand why his life span is so short. If he lived with me, he could sleep in my bed.

    My mom had a Guinea Pig, Ida. Although her cage gloriously ran across an entire room, my mom set it free in her apartment. Ida burrowed into the couch stuffings where she lived out her days freely with my mom.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He is an adorable little git. He’d lost quite a lot of weight suddenly and his fur was dropping out last month, so I upped his diet and immune system boosting foods. He’s plumped up again and the fur grew back! Unheard of!

      He’s not sleeping in my bed, though, simply as he’s insanely hyperactive and can never stay still for more than 2 seconds.

      Ida sounds groovy, though. Living in a couch? Now that’s an awesome hobby!

      Like

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s