Editor’s Note: Hello and welcome to a very special edition of our exclusive Santa Claus column! Taking time out from his extremely busy schedule, Santa agreed to a candid, ultra-rare interview with me, Mr. Wapojif, at his Secret Grotto in the North Pole.

I was chloroformed, gagged, and had a bag placed over my head whilst led to his factory, whereupon I got to meet, and interview, the great man himself. What a special treat this was – I’d just like to thank Santa for this wonderful opportunity and hope our readers enjoy this insight into his life.

Exclusive Santa Claus Interview

The interview lasted an hour and Santa was at his most charming and jovial! It was a splendid occasion and we look forward to another opportunity with this living legend. So, without further agadoo…

First off, thank you for letting Professional Moron enjoy this world exclusive. I’m so delighted to be able to take a detailed look into your daily life and approach to Christmas… although I’m a bit surprised it smells so strongly of excrement in here.  

Santa Claus: Whatever. Santa does what Santa wants in his Secret Grotto.

Fabulous! So, first up, when did you first start reading Professional Moron?

Santa Claus: What? What’s that?!

You write a weekly column for us. You have done for half a decade now…

Santa Claus: Look, young man, I don’t know who you are, I’m not even sure why you’re here, and I feel like my privacy is being invaded here. When that happens, I’m prone to psychotic outbursts, I warn you now!

Okay, UNDERSTOOD! so, what’s your favourite thing about Professional Moron?

Santa Claus: What is this? I don’t know what Professional Moron is!

I can show you on my phone… [slight delay], look here’s your article about your Barbie doll push last week.

Santa Claus: [Takes the phone and reads for several minutes, during which time his face turns red with anger] What in the name of **** is this horse****?! How in the name of **** did you get this information?! Are you a Communist spy!?

Erm, no… I think we should move on.

Santa Claus: Yeah… I think you should. I’m watching you, sonny!

Right! So, what’s your favourite app?

Santa Claus: My favourite map?! Oh, I dunno, maybe the one called EARTH! What other maps are there, you goddamn degenerate?!

That’s a valid point. Moving on, what excites you the most about christmas?

Santa Claus: I dunno… like, the way it snows and all that. Plus when it’s over, everyone clears off and leaves me alone for another year. That bit’s good.

But is there a specific moment during the Christmas run that exhilarates you?

Santa Claus: Not really. It’s pretty goddamn stressful to be honest, so I take this out on everyone around me with rages and all that. All I’ll say is, behind the facade, Santa is a complex beast of a man. A hunky beast. I never get credit for that. Why don’t I ever win Hottest Man of the Year!? It’s always that shyster Brad Pitt, or that odious prick George Clooney, or that imbecile Chris Hemsworth, or that bastard Ralph Fiennes, or that cretin Ewan McGregor, or that hippy Leonardo da Vinci, or that maniac Michael Fassbender, or that dunce Bradley Cooper, or that deformed pleb Ryan Gosling. What’s up with that?! How is that fair?! WELL?! HOW IS THAT FAIR!?

I’m not sure. Maybe you should send in an application to Vogue magazine and do a few sexy photoshoots.

Santa Claus: [After a brief silence] **** yeah! You’ve got a point, kid! That’s a belter, that is! What did you say you do again? You’ve got hidden talents!

I’m the editor of Professional Moron. I’m also a self-styled free radical with all the verve and capacious brilliance of william shakespeare merged with the intellectual refinement of gorgonzola. my readers worship me, i am a demigod, and i sense history is merely waiting for mE to deliver myself to posterity.

Santa Claus: Look, I don’t need your life story here, mate.

Sorry, I do get a bit carried away at times. So, which brand of mince pies do you like best?

Santa Claus: Jesus, those things give Santa gas. I’d rather not talk about that.

Okay. We hear you’re rather fond of a tipple or tWo, so I bought you this fine bottle of sherry as a gift.

Santa Claus: [Wordlessly takes the bottle from Mr. Wapojif and downs the contents in one] *BEEEEellllCCHHHHhhhhh*

Erm… well, I’m glad you enjoyed that.

Santa Claus: You’ve very attractive, you do know thawn donut yerr? Ohhhh… look at it all!

[Santa passed out for a good long while after this – about 10 minutes]

Santa? Are you back with us?

Santa Claus: [Dribbling] Uh? Wha’… who the **** are you?

I’m here interviewing you, of course! So, what did you buy Mrs. Santa Claus for Christmas this year?

Santa Claus: Uh? God, I feel rough.

Santa? Are you okay?

Santa Claus: YES, I’M FINE DAMMIT! Urghh… right, Mrs. Santa Claus. I dunno I’ve not got her jack yet. She’s loaded she can get what she wants whenever, who cares?

Well, you’re married, it would be a nice gesture.

Santa Claus: Oh, a nice gesture, huh? Well take this nice gesture, punk! [He gives me the middle finger and a grimace]

Erm… thank you. Okay then, so how are the reindeer doing this year, is Rudolph rip-roaring and ready to go?

Santa Claus: Well we had a bust up last week after I unloaded my shotgun at him. I thought he was a Communist spy because of that stupid nose of his. Well, he shouldn’t drink so much, you know, then it wouldn’t be so red!

My goodness, is he okay?

Santa Claus: Whom?

Rudolph.

Santa Claus: [Brief pause] Who’s that?

Your reindeer, the most famous one.

Santa Claus: Oh yeah, them. Well, to be honest I was thinking of upgrading to a helicopter or something. Using a sled and reindeer is a tad archaic, don’t you think? Santa’s awesome chopper would look awesome as I can buzz in over houses, land in gardens, on rooftops, and all that. Belting! The babes would love it.

Yes, but you’d wake a lot of people up, wouldn’t you?

Santa Claus: Don’t chat ****, mate. I’ve got to think about pimping up my image. I was thinking of upgrading to a, sort of, velvet coat as well, that’d look smoking. I’m eager to embrace my babe magnet image this year whilst I still can.

Okay… how old are you, just out of interest?

Santa Claus: No comment.

Sure. Are the elves happy and working hard this year?

Santa Claus: No comment.

Has the death toll decreased following on from the numerous debacles in 2016?

Santa Claus: No comment.

Has the nuclear fallout subsided since you blew up the on-site reactor in 2015?

Santa Claus: No comment… although the feeling has returned to the left side of my body. I also don’t have as many visions of giant wombats dressed as Spartans and singing Justin Bieber lyrics. This has lowered my blood pressure considerably.

Great! Well, I believe our time is over, so now is a good time to, in the spirit of the season, wrap things up!

Santa Claus: [Long pause] Do you have a history of mental health problems?

Well it’s been lovely chatting, Santa! I hope we can meet again next year to catch up. It’s been a pleasure.

Santa Claus: Over my dead body, ****head.

[Santa belches loudly, gropes himself, and leaves the Secret Grotto.]

Interview Ends