Invention: Hairnetflix (hairy entertainment like never before!)

A woman standing being stupid as arrows do stuff
Just slap it on and, voila, you have a lovely new hairnet!

Are you tired of your existing hairnet? Do you find it dull, drab, and beyond redemption? Do you think it’s time to upgrade to an all-in-one entertainment package which will leave you positively astonished (and your hair shiny and manageable)? Do you want to find out what this escalating series of hyperbolic questions are getting at?!

Hairnetflix embraces the best bits of hairnets and Netflix to merge them into a product worth owning. Don’t fear, though, Netflix isn’t involved as we’ve not told them we’ve stolen their name for our product. It’s all underhand tactics, you see, designed to deliver a busload of cash to our bank account, whilst facilitating your hairdo. Nice!

Hairnetflix

The idea behind this is to ensure your hairnet has all of the latest films, TV shows, documentaries,”world cinema” (i.e. blue films, experimental dance, live theatre, opera etc.), and cartoons available to listen to and, potentially, watch (the latter depends on whether you’re able to follow the following convoluted instructions) regardless of wearing a hairnet.

Normally, watching Netflix with a hairnet is impossible due to the blood being restricted to the brain by the hairnet. However, with hairnetflix you’ll find your skull alleviated to watch whatever you like (dependent on whether anything decent is on Netflix lol. Are we right?!) – the hairnet has a laptop computer glued to it, thusly ensuring you have the Netflix with you wherever you go throughout your household (or out into the street, if you like wearing your hairnet that way).

Then, with a clever arrangement of mirrors, you’ll be able to watch Netflix from the comfort of your gnome (if you live in a gnome, otherwise it’ll be from your home). Bask in the joys of visual entertainment as a complex array of mirrors beams back the latest episode of whatever to your vapid eyeballs. What ho – your hair will look amazing at the end of this, too!

Skull Compression Warning

As a side note to this invention, extensive wearing of the aforementioned hairnetflix will lead to, potentially severe, skull injuries. Mr. Wapojif, our esteemed editor, trial wore the product for 72 hours straight and was a dribbling wreck by the end of it all… or, perhaps, that was simply due to binge-watching the Paranormal Activity franchise (bah-dum tish).

The Professional Moron staff debated over whether he required a hospital visit, but after removing the contraption we found we could pummel his skull back into shape using a hammer. He’s now fine and dandy and was last seen snarling ferociously and demanding mashed potato. He’s completed cured!

Naturally, if this sounds too dangerous for you, we’ve found a product wearing time of 30 minutes is more suitable. After this, remove the hairnetflix and head bathe your skull in a sink filled with cold water and ice. Within an hour the searing hot feeling in your skull will be gone and you will be no longer slobbering everywhere. Time to strap the hairnetflix back on and enjoy another episode of Breaking Bad (more like Breaking Head! LOL!).

2 comments

    • Bald people will just have to remain bald, or suffer the indignity of third degree burns. I’m sort of bald, my hair is there, but sort of gone, and all I can suggest is anyone with an issue can just sod off.

      Like

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