Great Films That Never Were: Toastbusters (like Ghostbusters)

Toast in a toaster.
Bust that toast, man.

Ghostbusters from 1984 is a classic and one of those childhood films children watch in their childhood. It was rebooted less successfully in 2016 with a female cast, causing a colossal meltdown from the manosphere world. To avoid the scathing wrath of those sorts, we’ve decided to suggest another reboot which, surely, won’t cause controversy this time around: Toastbusters.

In truth, we’ve not really got anything against toast (unless it’s white bread). Toast is nice. Toast is tasty. Toast is the basis of many nourishing meals. However, when it does come to white bread being transformed into toast, we’re thoroughly against it. The result? Toastbusters is a film about some guys mindlessly obliterating anarchic white toast from the face of the planet. Doesn’t it sound toasteriffic?!

Toastbusters

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Jason Statham, and Philip Schofield in his big Hollywood debut (non-British people, you may need to Google him), the toastbusters ain’t afraid of no toast. Which is good, because there’s toast everywhere in this film!

When Schwarzenegger (who plays himself) accidentally burns his home down after some white bread gets stuck in his toaster, he’s left homeless. So he decides to transform his weightlifting business into a toast annihilation centre and employs old acting friend Stallone to rob a weapons facility.

Bruce Willis, who’s playing Die Hard hero John McClane and is in need of a job, is hired and he kidnaps scientific genius Schofield who transforms all the nicked weapons into toastbusting contraptions. Jason Statham is then hired as the Toastbusters’ receptionist, where he greets arrivals with a bellow of rage and a knuckle sandwich to the jaw.

With the business setup, the intrepid quartet of Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, and Schofield go from house to house in the New York neighbourhood busting white toast. Those cooking the white toast are then sent off to a rehabilitation centre where they learn about the benefits of brown bread. Schwarzenegger’s most consistent one-liner in this film is: “I’ll be brown bread.” Good, eh?

Best Moments

In an attempt to beat the number of one-liners he used in 1997’s Batman and Robin (that Joel Schumacher one you’ve spent two decades trying to forget), for this film Schwarzenegger is dropping one-liners like a drunk dribbling after downing three litres of White Lightning cider. However, there are plenty of other sensational moments which will make this film the surprise hit of 2018!

  • Schwarzenegger tests the bazooka-esque toastbusting implement created by Schofield – the toastooka. Upon firing, he’s catapulted into a lake and is left to scramble out, but is left sopping wet. He quips, “I’m like a soggy piece of toast!” and everyone laughs themselves stupid for a good few minutes.
  • Willis becomes jealous of receptionist Jason Statham and so attempts to out-male-pattern-balding him. He takes to rubbing vaseline on his skull to get the glare factor up and has a sign strapped to him, like that bit in Die Hard with a Vengeance, which states:”I do not mind being bald. Honest.” Statham, for his part, fends off Willis’ efforts with a bellow of fury and a knuckle sandwich to the jaw, at which point Willis relents and backs the Hell off.
  • Schwarzenegger begins to ramp up the one-liners, dropping in up to a dozen a minute as the action intensifies and the audience is left on the edge of its seat in sheer, unadulterated thrill-a-minute toastbusting action: “If it’s bread, we can kill it”, “Run! Get to the toastbuster!”, [when asked what he thinks is best in life] “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their white bread!”, “White bread [what a] party!”, “Your white bread loaves, give them to me, now”, and “Come with me if you want to live off brown bread.” etc.
  • Stallone and Schwarzenegger put aside decades of action movie hero rivalry to acknowledge their undying love for one another. The movie ends with a wedding and then we cut forward 20 years to the actors in their 90s, bald, and in the middle of filming Toastbusters vs Toasterminators III: This Time It’s All About The Toast (an amalgamation of Ghostbusters and the Terminator franchises) and they’re divorced, belligerent, and beating the crap out of each other again. Cue end credits.

7 comments

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s