It’s the New Year, so you’ll be looking to shed the pounds by either joining a gym or by purchasing some exercise equipment. You could plump for traditional items such as a rubbish exercise bike, or a rubbish treadmill, or by fighting into a rubbish gym at rubbish 6am before you go to rubbish work. Sounds rubbish to us!
This is why we’ve invented the exercise spike, which is a 4ft razor sharp metal spike which you can use for all manner of health boosting exercises! The exercise spike comes equipped with exercise boosting abilities, the primary feature being you cannot sit down on it to rest without facing the severe risk of fatal lacerations. It’s a winner!
The exercise spike is handcrafted at the Professional Moron premises and each one is inspected by our esteemed editor and spike expert, Mr. Wapojif. He grades each spike based on lethality, sharpness, and scare factor. If by simply looking at the spike it makes you want to run a country mile, then the exercise spike is deemed suitable for customers and shipped straight to you.
The exercise spike sits comfortably in any home imaginable! Whether you’re in a family or otherwise, the spike will fit snugly into any alcove or ornamental region you deem worthy of it – at the Professional Moron office, we like to place it right next to the television to instill rigid terror into us between merry bouts of escapism.
Do note – the exercise spike is not explicitly intended for hands-on, tangible use as it is so insanely dangerous. It is merely an ornament which promotes sheer horror from glancing at the sadistic spike which forcefully penetrates the atmosphere around you. The knowledge you could, at any moment, slip and impale yourself on the object acts as a way of getting you out of your home and into the wider world.
Thusly, you’ll be indulging in more forms of physical activity than ever before as you’re simply too scared to hang around the property you’ve paid a fortune for! The exercise spike costs £1,000 and is a beautiful shade of deathly silver, with a razor sharp spiked tip (hence the name) to ensure the object promotes a frightened visage from anyone who looks upon it.
Terms & Conditions
The exercise spike is not related to an exercise bike and cannot be used in tandem, or through solitary means, with the aforementioned exercise bike. The exercise spike is not intended as a playful product, it has been created to induce inordinate psychological trauma. Professional Moron cannot be held responsible for any fits of scared whimpering upon sight of the product and waives any PTSD charges which may be filed against it.
Owners should exercise heightened caution around the exercise spike due to its severely dangerous nature. Activities discouraged around the product include, but are not limited to: general cavorting, drunkenness, juvenile giggling, skipping, and holding a dinner party (performing all of these simultaneously would be particularly disastrous). Should a dinner party be necessary, encourage guests to veer clear of the product by showcasing any hideous wounds you’ve incurred due to being around it.