Exclusive Invention: The Microcave (like a microwave, but not)

The Microcave
Are you sure that’s a cave? It’s more like a burrow.

Microwaves are interesting, but stupid. You stick your food in them, they buzz about, then your food is ready. It’s, like, “What? It took you 60 seconds to cook that thing!? Are you sure that’s accurate, contraption? I don’t trust this for a second!” So you chuck out that bucket of effluence you’d stuck in there for no real reason and take the raw approach. What?

It got us thinking, though, about all the spare caves in the world just sitting about doing nothing. What a tragic waste of cave. Thusly, we thought it’d be a terrific idea to transform the cave into a microcave, which is a giant version of the microwave! So, now you can cook all the effluence in the world in there. All you need is a local cave and we’ll fit your microcave and have it running for a puny £333,000!

The Microcave

The microcave is so brilliant it hurts (literally, due to the radiation the SOB kicks off) – we’ll take care of the technical stuff you’re too stupid to understand, all you need to do is find a cave. Once found, apply for a court order to ensure it’s your cave henceforth and no hences or forths can go within a mile of the bloody thing.

This is, in part, for health and safety reasons. The microcave kicks up a fearsome amount of radiation, which is why it’s so fantastic for cooking noodles, pitta bread, and bits of old rice. Naturally, if you’re concerned about personal well-being at all, we can direct you towards a normal microwave.

If you want to stand the Hell out, though, Professional Moron is where it’s at! Get that cave, install the microcave, and cave in to the glorious hum of radiation as you leave your home, travel several miles into the wilderness, and use a bizarre device to cook up something idiotic which could have been completed perfectly well back at your home.

Don’t despair if you can’t afford a microcave, though, you pathetic working class wastrel, for we’ve invented the mini-microcave, which is £100 and is a bit of rock we’ve dug up from somewhere and heaped a load of radioactive waste on top of. Appetising, right? You cave (can) not believe how good it tastes!

Advertising a Cave With a Cave

Naturally, musician Nick Cave is on hand to perform all forms of marketing communications for the microcave over Q1 2018. He’s signed on due to the £100,000 we’ve promised him, although we don’t have that money. When he finds out, we’re going to pretend our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, had a brain hemorrhage and is incapable of paying the money.

We’ve created some brilliant activities for Cave to indulge in. With him on board, we feel many consumers will cave in (yes, we used that one again) to consumerism and purchase our product! Here are some of the things he’s going to be up to:

  • Nic Cage and Nick Cave-Off: These two will debate which surname is better. To do so, they’ll wrestle it out in a wrestling cave (sorry, cage!) to the backdrop of Cave’s song Red Right Hand.
  • Nic Cage: The Hollywood actor standing in for Cave. He just stands there and stares into the camera for 20 minutes. Convincing stuff.
  • Cave VS Cave: Nick Cave tries to beat up a cave with a cricket bat.
  • Cave’s Microcave Cooking Classes: Cave teaches us all the ins-and-outs of cooking in a cave. For this one, he gets totally naked and lathers up in butter before performing the traditional haka New Zealand war dance thing. Well, why not?
  • Cave Is Cadaverous: Nick Cave explains what cadaverous means and then goes for a lie down in a cave, away from the sunlight, in total solitude… to take in the glory of cave.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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