How to be a Gamer: Your Nihilistic Guide to Having “Fun”

How to be a gamer
“I decided to play Generic FPS title Killer Murder Boom Ratta Tatta 12, but the immature NOOBIE SCUM made me RAGE QUIT and I did a pee pee!”

Video games are such an intrinsic part of life for many the term “gamer” has cropped up so you can, indeed, identify yourself as a games player. The idea behind video games is escapist fun, of course, but gaming has been transformed into an ultra-serious war-ground of mayhem as opinions overtake objective reason and 97% of the community flies into outrage at the first hint of the GayStation and ZzzBone being rubbish. Noobs!

If you’re new to the industry and just want to kick back and enjoy some Mario Kart, Final Fantasy, Halo, or Sims, we’re sorry to have to report this isn’t possible. You must first set your allegiance post-haste and become a braying, intemperate imbecile in order to justify the £300 or so you’ve spent on your console/PC of choice. So, to get you through those difficult first few noobie months, here’s our guide… to being a gamer.

Gamer

Gaming isn’t easy. You have to pick your side, then you have to spend your money, then you have to spend 90% of your time arguing furiously online (instead of enjoying your hard-earned games) about why the GayStation has better graphics than the Crap Box. See, we’re having fun already!

Player… Purchase!

First up, here’s our guide to the available systems you may, or may not, wish to pick up. Make sure you have a spare £50 handy! These things are pretty pricey.

GayStation 4: A black box with polygons (at least one of them). Runs every game on the PC, ZzzBone, but nothing else. Buy this if you’re a raging pervert.

ZzzBone Last: For dorks and social outcasts. If you like insomnia, don’t buy this. It’s the cure (to insomnia).

Nintender My Resignation Switch: Some Japanese company made it. Probably runs Mario games. Who knows? It’s got bad graphics. Avoid.

PC (Pretty Crap): Costs £35,000 just to get Flappy Bird running. Only purchase if you’re a social elitist with delusions of grandeur. Also runs Wikipedia.

How to Game

Are you ready to have fun?! Fire up your game of choice! Now, abandon your game after the intro (but leave it on standby so it accrues a large amount of time you’ve not actually spent on it) and fire up your laptop. Congratulations, you’ve spent 60 seconds on your generic title and are now ready to argue professionally with your mortal enemies. Hurray!

How to Argue About Video Games

You may be 33, have a family, and a steady job scrubbing excrement out of toilets, but this doesn’t mean your bitterness should flow forth like a wave of effluence on poor souls you’ve never met before. Unfortunately, you abandon such standards immediately as you’ve just run into some Nintendards on a forum – they’re claiming Breath of the Wild is a great game. “NOOOOOOOOOOOBS!” you scream in fury. But… what is a “noob”? Let us quantify:

  • Noobs – Definition: A despicable heathen who deserves worse than death. Probably plays video games for fun and doesn’t understand 900p compared to 1080p. Even though the difference is minimal and barely affects the gaming experience, this ignorance is unacceptable! Thusly, the term “NOOB!” is most befitting of this vile, clueless scum.

Whilst on your online argument adventure, you’ll also run into gamers who seem to know what they’re on about. To ensure you nullify their noobness, you can either rant with increasingly bizarre outbursts of profanity, or you can attempt to engage them in apparently civil conversation, whilst just about maintaining your composure (although it’s blatantly obvious a raging volcano of subjective rage is blistering within). Being obnoxious and sanctimonious during the latter is essential. End all your comments with a :o) to show you’re in complete control.

The latter is, obviously, more mature behaviour but, sometimes, simply calling someone a “gay noob” is the way to wrap a conversation up. Remember – if you’re an adult, it’s not embarrassing behaviour as you know best. You scrub crap out of toilets, how couldn’t you know a turd from a gem?! However, if you’re a kid, mindlessly plow on with your vacuous self-belief until adulthood, upon the gaining of which you can rely on the former attributes to remain obnoxious, spoilt, and mindlessly entitled. Why? Again, we must reiterate, gaming isn’t about fun!

Dealing With Other Peoples’ Opinions

As a gamer, the big problem you’ll come up against is other gamers and their stupid opinions. You’ll immediately find, when you challenge someone else’s opinion, they’ll react badly, which in turn forces you to react badly, and then a rampant argument (known as a “flame war”) will rage for months on end as you pointlessly try to change each other’s minds.

As an example scenario, imagine this has occurred. You’re on IGN, but you’ve seen someone state of your favourite ever game, Grand Theft Auto V, “itz 4 stupid ppl + gay noobs lol”. Punching your nearest wall in outrage, with your non-broken hand you get to thrashing out a 1,000 word response with perfect diction and grammar putting this individual in his or her place.

The next day, the person responds with “u r a gay noob” and you write a 2,000 word reply you feel is worthy of a Nobel Prize. The following day, the individual responds merely with “lol”. You punch the wall with your other hand and now can no longer type. You have lost this flame war.

The lesson? It’s important to remember when dealing with other gamers you are never wrong. Your opinion is sacrosanct. As a consequence of your unrecognised brilliance, the best way to handle other opinions is disregard them as trash and be unnecessarily combative in every encounter you have. Belittle, bully, and condescend at every available opportunity – most importantly, adopt the belief your opinion is fact and everyone else is wrong. Congratulations! You are gamer expert level Ghosts N’ Goblins!

Conclusion: “Can’t I Just Enjoy The Goddamn Games!?”

God, such a noob. No, you can’t! As discussed, being a gamer involves 95% of the time not playing the games. 1% of your gaming time will be reserved for playing video games, but you will spend most of your video game life arguing about why you think the GayStation has the best graphics. This will ensure you don’t go to gaming Hell – iPhone gaming! LOL! ROFLMAO!

2 comments

  1. I kind of miss the days of people making offensive portmanteaus for systems they didn’t own, it doesn’t seem to happen so much these days. It’s all boring discussions about resolution and framerate these days.

    Off the top of my head, from my youth I recall Spectrash, Crummydore, Crappydore (the edgier version), the already acknowledged GayStation, its subsequent follow-up the GayStation Poo, its milder variants the GreyStation and GreyStation Poo, Dreampants, SexBox (which I always thought made it sound quite good) and Lamecube. It’s interesting that there are some systems I don’t recall getting such nicknames; I can’t remember any for the NES, Master System, Mega Drive/Genesis, SNES or N64, for example.

    also you are a gay noob

    Liked by 1 person

    • Whatever, noobie scum, I know you’re a Say Gay (SEGA) fan and, yeah, that naturally means I have no idea what I’m on about. I did own a Dreamcast, though. Sorry, Dreamcrap.

      I read Digitiser as a kid growing up (on Teletext, if you remember) which inspired me a lot, and Paul Rose the editor used to wind up the readers something rotten. It was inspired stuff.

      Noob.

      Like

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