All talk is small because only small people use it. However, tall people aren’t blocked from small talk as that would be discrimination. However, there is no such thing as big talk. Only small talk. As small people are so diminutive they need assistance with getting heard in conversations. As such, idle chitchat is a brilliant way for short arses to mingle with normal sized people.

Good, we’re glad we’re clear on all that. So, regardless of how gargantuan you are, you can read our guide to how to excel in pointless conversations you’d rather not have.

Small Talk

Okay, so the point of this piece is to provide small talk ideas. Below you can find some of the more generic examples of this generic form of conversing:

• “Cold for this time of year, isn’t it?”
• “Did you see the match?”
• “What’s your favourite film?”
• “How’s your day been?”
• “Anything exciting planned for the weekend?”

But they’re a bit boring, right? How do you respond to most of that lot? “Yes…” And then it’s conversation over. Which is stupid. So, what’s a small talker to do?!

Our Suggestions

Well, you can rely on good old Professional Moron to shake up your small talkery. Below are some of the ideas we think can make your inane chitchat all the more rewarding:

• “Which nuclear explosion is your favourite?”
• “Have you ever had rabies?”
• “You look disgusting today. What happened?”
• “So, have you ever killed anyone?”
• “Are you a bigot?”
• “Have you ever clogged a toilet?”
• “Can I punch you in the face?”

As you can see, these examples permeate within the spheres of moral ambiguity. Whilst not illegal to ask them, it’s not exactly legal either. However, if you want to shake up your small talk routine then they’re worth considering.

Here’s a potential conversation based on the above examples. For this, we went up to some random bloke last week during rush hour:

Us: Salutations!
Person: Er... hello. 
Us: Which nuclear explosion is your favourite?
Person: [Short pause] I'm sorry?
Us: Oh, okay. That's clearly not your field of interest. So, have you ever killed anyone?
Person: I beg your pardon!?
Us: What about rabies, have you ever had that?
Person: What... why are you asking me these questions?!
Us: Can we punch you in the face? 
Person: [Stunned/confused silence] ...
Us: Is that a no? Look, we're just trying to break the ice here. 
Person: I'm going to go away now. Should you follow, I'll call the police.
Us: Are you a bigot, then? 
Person: I'm leaving now. 
Us: Why? Hello!? [Calling after him] When was the last time you clogged a toilet?!

As the person fled in terror, we had a moment of reflection to rejoice in the excellence of this conversation. Rarely have we connected with someone so openly. So, as you can see, our small talk questions are far superior to anything ever seen on planet Earth before.

Awkward Silences

Let us not forget the power of awkward. It has its own way of getting you fumbling around desperately trying to find something, anything, to say.

It’s a particularly good idea to enforce awkward silences on other people. A great option is to head up to some people you don’t know at, for instance, work. Stand there and don’t say anything. Watch as they glance at each other in confusion. Wait a good few minutes before chipping in with a comment such as, “Who here has ever suffered a gangrenous sore?”

We also find attending meetings we’re not intended for us a good technique. Force your way into that web development catch up and repeat “HTML” every 20 seconds. Nod your head assuredly each time you do so.

Within 10 minutes, the room will be reduced to awkward silence. It’ll just be you there every 20 seconds saying “HTML” until it’s the end of the day and everyone embarrassedly shuffles off. That’s productivity.