Invention: Jackstammer (jackhammer for stammerers)

Jackhammer
You don’t know jack until you’ve used a jackstammer.

Just yesterday, we stood in the street watching a big fat hairy builder as he pulverised some pavement with a jackhammer. He kept bending over and, enthralled with disgust, we gazed at his hairy behind wobbling about the place. After 120 seconds we concluded, “This individual’s bum cleavage is making us nauseous, we should go.”

However, there was something about the stuttering, stammering nature of the jackhammer as it walloped the ground that made our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, think. When this man thinks the results can be good, but also bad, and we think this time he landed on one idea somewhere between the two – the jackstammer. This is a jackhammer designed to help people with a stammer, such as Roger Daltrey from the Who. Yes?

The Jackstammer

The Professional Moron office doubles up as a jackstammer clinic. Naturally, we can’t fund a jackstammer for every person in England (or beyond). That would be stupid. Instead, we’ve created this clinic so people can book in for some serious anti-stammer treatment. It’s £500 an hour, but most treatment sessions end after 30 seconds in a bloody pulp.

Yes, well treatment goes like this: the respective person arrives, has their head strapped into the anti-jackstammer head socket, the jackstammer is revved up, and the human face then takes the full brunt of the pneumatic hammer drilling into their skull. Unfortunately, we didn’t realise beforehand all the jackstammer would do is smash up the person’s teeth a bit and fracture their jaw. Indeed, we had some very angry reactions from our first few customers.

In terms of legality, this treatment does (for a short while as the person has their jaw reset) stop them from stammering. Consequently, we consider it to be a resounding success! Granted, the person cannot speak at all for several months after the jackstammer stuff, but then humanity as a species needs to shut up a bit more often, eh? Thusly, we’re providing a service for society as a whole, as opposed to individuals.

Customer Reviews: “Not good at all”

Of course, we have taken measures to ensure the jackstammer isn’t quite so thunderously dangerous. Indeed, we’ve taken to wrapping cotton wool around the drill bit to ensure the rapid thumping isn’t quite so immediately destructive. Customers are also encouraged to take a sedative prior to the treatment to numb the pain – our homemade moonshine (made out of aerosol fluid, gin, and petrol) is offered, as are paracetamols after the treatment.

These hasn’t stopped a glut of terrible reviews, though. “Not good at all” one bloke told us. Prat. Then there was that woman who became quite convinced the treatment is “inadequate for anything at all” and fled the property. Mr. Wapojif ran after her with the moonshine trying to convince her otherwise with a few hearty beverages, but she wasn’t having any of it. Brat.

Ultimately, the truth is Mr. Wapojif has had to acknowledge this one hasn’t worked out. He filed for bankruptcy last week. On the plus side, with the spare jackstammers we have around it’s easily enabled us to demolish the jackstammer clinic in record time! The leftover rubble has been dumped over the back garden fence into the neighbour’s yard. For any budding entrepreneurs out there take note, this is how you deal with matters. Realise your mistake, eradicate it with a jackhammer, then blunder onto your next project.

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