Exclusive Recipe: Potato Au Grating (now with extra “grated” potato)

Potato being peeled
It’s great!

The humble potato is as revered as crisps. Why? Probably because the potato is often turned into the legendary recipe Potato Au Gratin. This is a slushy mix of potatoes and other stuff. It’s entirely unhealthy but, then, what is healthy these days? You can’t even drink a pint of water without contracting gout or scurvy. It’s bloody ridiculous.

Anyway, you might be familiar with the concept of peeling potatoes, but that doesn’t do your wrists any favours. Indeed, it’s known 80% of arthritis cases are caused by a lifetime of peeling potatoes. Thusly, what you need to do is turn to grating them. This way, you can make what will become a famous recipe: Potato Au Gratijng. Just be sure not to hold back on the grating, because that’s how this recipe stands above the myriad other potato recipes, yeah?

Potato Au Grating

Naturally, we’re not encouraging you to peel your way through a metric tonne of potatoes (you’ll need such an amount for this recipe – bear with us). No, we’re encouraging you to head out there and purchase (or steal) a pneumatic drill. You know the ones, those hairy builders use them all the time. You may know it as a jackhammer but, whatever, it does the same job irrespective of its name.

Of course, yesterday we covered the jackstammer (our failed, highly dangerous invention) and so have a few jackhammers left over in the office. We quickly found the best way to peel potatoes is to pulverise them with these contraptions. This isn’t “grating” them, per se, other than the fact it’s a really great way to grate them, yeah?

What you do then, for this recipe, is gather as much potato grating as possible. You’re going to need a lot of potatoes, so go to your nearest supermarket and buy a metric tonne of the things (it’ll probably cost you a few hundred smackaroos, but it’s totally worth it for this dish), drag them over to the truck you’ve hired (that’ll set you back a bit, too), and hire a team of strong men/women to help you unload all the potatoes into a giant skip (you’ll have to hire that, too, from some skip company) once you get home.

Once completed, clamber into the skip with your jackhammer and “go mental”. It’ll took half a dozen hours or so, but with a bit of hard work you’ll have laid the foundation for potato au grating. With your job done, just order your hired hands to load the grated potato into your solitary oven in shift patterns.

Potato Sludge

What you’ll actually find here is your potatoes will, even after a 20 minute spell in the oven (keep that cooking time short to work through your metric tonne faster), be more like a sludge than anything else (i.e. “grating” or “gratin” or “potato”). As such, you should open up a twee potato sludge stand (analogous to a lemonade stand, but with potatoes) on your local street and hawk the stuff aggressively to bewildered passerby/neighbours.

If you have any hired hands still on a shift with you, then get them to rough people up as they approach your stall. Either this or cajole them into drinking the potato sludge, we just usually find a bit of brute force works wonders with dimwitted consumers. Once they’ve tasted the sludge and remarked, “Gosh, it’s a bit bland…” then at that precise moment you’ll know you’ll be onto a moderately unsuccessful endeavour. But it’s better than being totally unsuccessful, right?


  1. Crisps… crisps always with the crisps! Why not set the oven, 4 racks at a time, on the highest temperature. Spread the sludge on cookie sheets. Bake until dark brown, then brush some … whatever you have left over from other unsuccessful food items… Broil for 5 minutes. You should end up with a very hard potato platter to serve your crisps on!

    Liked by 1 person

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