Great TV Shows That Never Were: Moronation Street

A street
A street where morons live.

Coronation Street is a British soap opera based in a fictional area of Manchester. Moronation Street is an adaptation of this series to turn the population into, you guessed it, dribbling morons! The former show began in 1960 and has been plaguing the airwaves with its insipid mediocrity ever since (we’re big fans, as you can tell!), but we’re here with this silly spin-off to remind Coronation Street fans it’s okay to embrace moronic behaviour (such as watching Coronation Street).

Moronation Street isn’t played for laughs. It’s a hard-hitting drama about life as a moron. The tumultuous little street where the moronic locals live is cursed with all manner of moronic incidents, which is where the central themes of the show will be developed. In 30 minute episodes, the cast will get involved in dingbat behaviour, get confused, and the episode will dribble its way to an idiotic conclusion. Excited? Good!

The Cast

Moronation Street consists of over a dozen families, but the principal characters will define the show and make it the soap opera of its generation. These are the local families you come to know and love for their intense vacuity.

  • Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger (doing his damn best to perfect a Mancunian accent) and Amy Adams, this couple has a son called Smithey (James McAvoy) and is trying for a baby girl whom they plan to name Barbara. Mr. Smith is a barber and Mrs. Smith stacks shelves in the local Aldi.
  • Dave: The local bachelor (Brad Pitt) who works as a binman, he’s prone to getting wasted on Friday nights and starting fights with random strangers. He’s cad! A stupid one, at that, as in one episode he’ll get his head stuck in an exhaust pipe.
  • Doreen: The crazed 80+ year old who stalks the streets hitting people with her walking stick. Doreen (Helen Mirren) is the hidden intellectual of the street, boasting a normal IQ of 90. Due to this, she’s able to cadge a living as a petty thief without being arrested.
  • Chief Inspector Constable Barry Barryson: Played by Russell Brand, Barry is an ineffectual Chief Inspector who can’t remember his staff’s names. Worse still, he often absentmindedly commits crimes himself, such as when he drove his car into a bank in order to “withdraw some money”. The stupid git didn’t even wear a balaclava!
  • Landlord Larry: Arnold Schwarzenegger doubles up with his acting skills as Landlord Larry, who’s from Birmingham and has an incredibly strong Brummie accent. Larry’s job is to ensure the locals remain drunk, but he often forgets to order beer in! What a character.
  • Miscellaneous: Naturally, there’s also a baker, a butcher, barber, and the local market is also populated by everyday people, with cameos for this lot from Tom Cruise, Jessica Chastain, Angelina Jolie, and Sir Cliff Richard as they all stupid it up a notch by dribbling and saying “was” instead of “were”.

The Very Best of Moronation Street

If you’ve ever seen a soap opera, you’ll know episodes concern themselves with depicting mundane day-to-day occurrences of life in general. Moronation Street is no ordinary soap opera. Instead, it will busy itself with the world of people being a bit dense. Here are some of the very best moments and episodes to come!

  • Out of Fuel, You Fool: Schwarzenegger and Adams head off on holiday to enjoy some quality family time in Blackpool. They soon run out of fuel and take to pushing the vehicle up the central lane of the M55 motorway. The police then arrive to stop this dangerous activity, but Schwarzenegger simply bellows, “We’re out of fool, you fuels!” and the police laugh themselves stupid. The Smiths are then arrested.
  • Dave’s Dyelemma: Dave (Brad Pitt) dyes his hair pink in an attempt to woo “the hot birds”. He buys a tin of paint, heads home, and inserts his entire head into it. Unfortunately, he gets his head stuck and almost drowns in the pink paint, but as he stands back up all the paint slushes out and he can breathe again. Still stuck in the tin, he decides to head out into the street for help where Mr. Smith bumps into him and believes he’s under attack from Barney the Dinosaur.
  • Tanked Up Troubles: Larry the Landlord has run out of beer again! To overcome this issue, he plugs the beer barrels into the pub’s sewage system and pumps out effluence into the unassuming local’s pint glasses. Jessica Chastain remarks, “That’s a beltin’ pint, geeza!” and everyone applauds Larry.
  • Police Problems: Chief Inspector Constable Barryson can’t be bothered going to work this morning to solve crimes, so he sits about in his Y fronts drinking pink Lambrini. As he couldn’t be bothered ringing in sick, his officers visit his home to find out what’s happened. Barryson merely opens fire from his living room to ward them off. Grinning happily, he then eats a raw Pot Noodle, having forgotten to boil the kettle.

6 comments

  1. ⭐️BRILLIANT⭐️
    Perhaps your best TV show that wasn’t, to date. My only wish is that the major networks hire you to write the next generation of hit soaps & sit-coms. Okay, I have a few other wishes, but they have nothing to do with TV. So, that should not effect this wish.
    (Genius having Schwarzenegger play 2 roles!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I can’t stand the show – all of the soaps, actually, in England. They’re terrible. But, hugely popular. So what do I know? Moronation Street would be a fine antidote. Like shower gel, instead of soap.

      Liked by 1 person

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