Mouthwash is useful for people who like to have the type of breath that makes one think: “Gee, this individual doesn’t have smelly breath. I want to marry this person.” However, mouthwash isn’t as omnipresent in the world of cinema as much as it is in the community of nice smelling people. This is a great shame – as you’ll see below, there are a great many films that could be improved by adding in some minty fresh liquid dental hygiene.
Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Mouthwash
Luke Skywalker is out to provide the galaxy with a new mouthwash in order to annihilate the shoddy mouthwash provided by the evil Empire. Let the force be fresh and minty!
E.T. The Extra Mouthwash
E.T. wants to phone home so he can get some proper good mouthwash. The stuff on Earth is rancid, you know?
The Mouthwash Commandments
1956 epic that really made it clear how to use mouthwash. Don’t gargle. Don’t drink it. Don’t throw it at people. Don’t cook with it. Don’t have any flavours except mint etc.
Gone With the Mouthwash
Frankly, my dear, he doesn’t give a damn… except about mouthwash. He’s bloody gone and scarpered with the stuff too, the cad.
The Sound of Mouthwash
That gargling sound… pure evil. Pure… evil! Julie Andrews know the hills are alive with plaque, though, so she’s on a mission to ensure the kids gargle their way out of that one.
Batman v Mouthwash: Dawn of Justice
It’s dawn, there’s a load of bad bacteria in your gob, and Batman is here to ensure you use a toothbrush instead of mouthwash. BUT mouthwash wants to be used – it’s the battle of the century!
The Mouthwash Knight
Batman isn’t in this one, it’s just a mouthwash superhero who’s out to save Mouthwash City from the evil Joker (who never brushes his teeth – that’s why he’s a joke). Just as well Christian Bale is here with his massive pearly gnashers to save the day!
Mouthwash Club has rules. The first rule of mouthwash club is you don’t come to mouthwash club if you haven’t used mouthwash. You stay at home and come back next time having remembered to use mouthwash. That’s what this film is all about – the dodgy memory members of mouthwash club. A most moving film.
Mouthwash is Beautiful
Uplifting, if slightly weird, drama from Roberto Benigni. He thinks mouthwash is beautiful. Not many other people agree, so into the loony bin with this one!
The Green Mouthwash
Stephen King’s terrifying classic – why is the mouthwash green?! Cripes, it sends shivers down out spine just thinking about it! Tom Hanks stars as the man on a mission to find out why it’s not blue.
Francis Ford Coppola’s acclaimed epic about people who really bloody desperately want mouthwash… NOW! Marlon Brando starred as a tyrant living in the wilderness, hording mouthwash like a lunatic.
Sleepless in Mouthwash
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan can’t sleep in mouthwash. Why? The smell. The itchy sensation it creates. The flies it attracts. The fact they almost drown when they start drifting off etc.
Close Encounters of the Mouthwash Kind
Richard Dreyfuss gets up close and personal with mouthwash in this family favourite, as he grapples with his desire to get some mouthwash into his gob.
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Mouthwash
Fantasy epic with lots of rings, mouthwash, and hobbits running about like idiots. Thankfully, Gandalf has used mouthwash for this film so his otherwise putrid breath isn’t much of an issue.
Bruce Willis actions it up as John McClane, bald action hero who bloody well hates mouthwash and is going to bloody well annihilate the stuff. Good on you, John. Yippee ki yay, mouthwash.