Exclusive Recipe: Mustard Ice Cream

Mustard and ketchup
One of these is mustard. The other is ketchup. You don’t get ketchup ice cream, though, that would be stupid!

Much like mustard soup, mustard ice cream places mustard as one of the key ingredients. In fact, it’s pretty much the ONLY ingredient! Well, what you gonna do? Get some ordinary ice cream? Tough, not at our ice cream parlour! The only ice cream we sell has mustard in it, so you’d better get used to the pungent, wince-inducing excellence of this SOB. Onward!

Mustard Soup

Our esteemed editor, Mr. Wapojif, dreamt this one up during a dream (hence the word “dreamt”) and was so taken with the idea he sat for breakfast and had a litre of mustard with a load of ice cubes. He insisted the taste  was sensational so, hey ho, once again the Professional Moron team worked itself up to fulfilling another of his depraved fantasies.

Except this is no fantasy. Mustard ice cream is real, it’s out there, and it’s dangerous! There’s no secret to the recipe – it’s just frozen mustard. You can serve it with other foodstuffs if you like – apple pie, cake, cornflakes, corn, flakes (dandruff ones), and other ice creams (onion ice cream is a must). Nothing quite matches the excellence of delicious banana flavour, for instance, followed by the savage overload of mustard ice cream!

Documenting peoples’ reactions to the flavour has been far more rewarding than the monetary gain from opening the Moronice Cream Parlor. We’re nearing bankruptcy, and accordingly despondent (our new apprentice – thanks for all those who applied, most of your were dismal failures but we have our latest reject!), but the agonised howls and casual puking has been a joy to behold.

It’s when you see your customers crying (whether through fear or severe anguish)… that’s when you know you’ve got business acumen as sharp as the edges of a yogurt pot. When, their faces creased with uncontrollable rage, they accusingly point a finger at you screaming sweet bloody murder. NB: Business tip, if these customers are intent to argue it out to the last, crack out your flamethrower and scare them off. Into the wilderness they shall scarper.

A Yummy Heat Stroke Warning

Due to legal reasons, we have to warn you about heat stroke – we’re just trying to dress it up a bit for marketing purposes (business acumen, see?). Heat stroke isn’t a cheesy ’80s band, but a serious condition that can be caused by getting too hot. Stay cool this summer, y’all! Naturally, consuming smoking hot products places you at greater risk, especially if you eat someone as pungent and temperature boosting as mustard ice creaming.

Our suggestion? Since NOT eating mustard ice cream simply isn’t an answer, we’d recommend you clamber into a bathtub full of ice cold water before attempting to eat the product. Purchase, and aim, several electric fans at you whilst you’re in the tub, too. Also, hire a scantily clad hunk to waft you with a fan. Additionally, spend several thousand pounds installing an air conditioning system – whatever it takes to ensure you’re only a few degrees off hypothermia. It’s the only way to be safe whilst enjoying this most delicious of mustard-based foodstuffs.

3 comments

  1. What about taking a spoon into a bath filled with Mustard Ice-cream? One could stay cold, and enjoy the mustard food stuff all at once. Am I too, smart to get a job at Pro Mo? I assure you, I am highly educated!

    Like

    • Thank you for your suggestion. It has been duly noted and filed. We will respond within 365 days.

      To work for us, you have to meet one of the following parameters:

      1 – Stupid
      2 – Dumb
      3 – Thick
      4 – Vacuous
      5 – Fatuous
      6 – Slow
      7 – Witless
      8 – Dimwitted
      9 – Mindless
      10 – Moronic

      If you fit any of the above criteria, or an amalgamation of several, then you may be considered.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Okay… so…. okay. Let’s see! Umm, okay… ummmmmmmm, well, okay, let’s see … Pfffffftttttt, so okay I thought you said fartuous. Well, I’m ironing a very thick pair of denim jeans. That should count for “ironic” …. What??? Moronic? Please, there is no such iron, and I know all about irons!

        Like

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