Exclusive Invention: Burnalism (journalism, but with more flames)

Burning
Burn!

Journalism is the ancient tradition of reporting what’s going on in a manner that’ll panic monger folks into purchasing “newspapers”. Burnalism is our latest thing that riffs off journalism, but just involves burning stuff to the ground. And then reporting on it. So, yeah, anyone into towering infernos better catch up with this publication pronto.

Not that any of this is legal, really. As an example, we set fire to a fish and chips shop in Manchester and reported burnalistically about the ensuing inferno. The owner turned up in hysterics and started screaming at us, then the cops turned out, and then we were bundled into police vans. But where there is controversy, there is (or are) sold newspapers. That is the brilliance of burnalism.

Burnalism

Once a journalist has been burned by burnalism, they don’t go back to regular reporting. Why? Well, third-degree-burns typically make you useless for covering celebrity gossip and whatnot, unless the celebrity gossip is about a celeb’s home that was (somehow) just burned to the ground. Yeah? Wink wink.

Thusly, a burned journalist simply has to become a full-time burnalist. There really is no other option. Thankfully, the Professional Moron backed daily tabloid, The Daily Disaster, is all about hiring hacks from varying backgrounds. Diversity is key to us, whether it’s someone with first-degree burns, second-degree burns, or thirty-seven degree burns – whatever your burn ratio, will hire you to cover burning stuff.

We’re trying to get the voice of Mr. Burns from The Simpsons, Harry Shearer, to do a few commercials for us. We’ll keep you updated on how that goes. In the meantime, we’ve drafted in former musician and pop star Sir Bob Geldof to just say a load of controversial stuff. You know, whatever enters his brain – whatever draws attention to our explosive campaign, you know?

High Burnalistic Standards

Any Professional Moron reader will know we have the highest journalistic standards. Plagiarism? Never! Bullying and exploitation of underpaid apprentices? Always! Complete disregard for logic, reason, active voice, and other grammatical guffins in order to ensure free-flowing (one could say lyrical) copy? Every single day!

So it’s only fair these standards make it into the newfangled arena of burnalism. To ensure absolute integrity, here are the founding principles any budding burnalist must adhere to – with the below in mind, go forth and report on the burning world, you hack:

  • You must be able to strike a match – should you have to rely on a lighter, you’re not experienced enough to report on any story
  • Be aware of the fire ambulance number at all times – this could save your life (hint: it isn’t 998 or 910)
  • Plagiarism is expected to be commonplace in burnalism, simply as most written records are promptly burned to the ground, so no one has any idea what’s going on
  • Be prepared to set fire to anything to get a story, including your home (and therein your personal belongs), your trousers, and even yourself
  • Should you wish to educate others about burnalism, endeavour to have to hand a box of matches, three litres of petrol, and a notepad at all times
  • Do remember some stuff doesn’t catch fire, such as water, the Sun, and gravity
  • A burnalist reaches perfection (burnfection, as it’s known) when he/she learns to report on stories whilst on fire

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