TV Shows That Never Were: Err (Better Than ER & More Accessible)

Hospital
“Errrrr… what does ‘daily’ mean, even?”

Do you remember ER? It starred George Clooney. There were other actors in it, but who cares!? ER had George Clooney. The show was all about super smart doctors doing doctor stuff (CLEAR!!!!), such as hacking up people on surgery tables (CLEAR!!!), trying not to puke at the sight of cysts (WE NEED 77 CCS OF ADRENALINE, STAT!!!), and working 37 hour shifts a day (CLEAR!!).

If that was all too intellectual for you, we’re suggesting the new hit doctor show: Err. It’s about dumb doctors being really terrible at their jobs. It doesn’t star George Clooney, but who cares? We’ve got a much better cast, much better scripts, and we’ll sell our kidneys if this one doesn’t bag us an Oscar.

Err

As the success of reality TV has shown, folks love dumb stuff. If Love Island is your thing, or Orange is the New Big Mac, then Err is for you! With a dribbling, stuttering cast of characters, it’s the type of thing you watch whilst also on your laptop, mobile phone, tablet, and video games console. Background gibberish, you know?

The cast is headed by Jai Courtney, everyone’s favourite charmless beefcake. His love interest is Sir Bob Geldof, who is in his big acting break right here, right now. No, this isn’t an advanced LGTB type sure, it’s just Geldof is dressed as a woman, pretending to be a woman (doctor), and she’s trying to get it on with mindless beefcake brain surgeon Jai Courtney.

Most episodes will focus on their haphazard relationship, with Geldof flirting whilst severed arteries gush romantically in the backdrop of set pieces, brain matter soars through the air, and romantic blood red sunsets are enhanced by lots of genuine blood flowing from various other sources (dismemberment etc.)

But it’s not just about love! Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as the hospital manager, who can barely get through a tracheotomy without needing one himself (due to his endless conversational fillers). In fact, this is the worst run hospital in the world! With an assortment of idiots “curing” singed eyebrows with anabolic steroids, you just know you want to watch this so you feel that extra bit not dumb.

Best Errpisodes

Okay, blah blah blah, more random filler, but what were the best episodes from this award-losing series? Well, we’ll tell you! Hold onto your intravenous needles, settle back, and get confused as to why your surgeon is revving a petrol-driven chainsaw.

  • Putrid Putdowns: In this one, due to the stupidity of the doctors, patients go untreated for three months. The hospital is quarantined and named a Putrid Zone. Nice!
  • Spurting Spirits: As Geldof attempts to win over Courtney’s heart, there’s a lot of spurting from arbitrary limbs. What the? Hah, guess it’s the fact Courtney is such a heartthrob (in the sense he keeps accidentally stabbing people in the heart with a scalpel).
  • Romantic Radiation: After the local nuclear power plant suffers a meltdown, Schwarzenegger orders a full meltdown of all staff via flamethrower. As he marches out of his office after giving the news, confused staff ask him confusedly – “But where are you going?!”, to which he replies: “I’ll be back. With a flamethrower.”
  • Limbs & Love: This tearjerker is all about the hospital’s inability to keep limbs on people, but how this can’t stop true love. Except when Geldof trips over a big toe (technically a limb) in a corridor, stopping him from finally making pecking Courney on the cheek (with a kiss, not with a severed limb)
  • Exsanguination Episode: There’s an enormous amount of blood loss in this episode, which causes the hospital to uproot off its foundations and go floating off on a river of love (via blood loss). But, never fear, for Geldof finally proposes to Courtney, but the latter is suffering hallucinations after accidentally hacking his legs off with a razor blade. Err, that’s stupid etc.

Have some gibberish to dispense with?

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