As we all know, counting is important. If you can’t count, then your ability to exist is questionable. For instance, how do you work out if you’re getting the right change from the shop assistant you just bought a litre of Coca-Cola from? Exactly. Sup on that warm coke, you idiot, and commiserate on your pointless existence.

We also know walking up stairs is hard work. That’s why escalators were invented, to ensure the abject laziness of some people ensures they can go to the mall and buy litre bottles of Coca-Cola. So we got to thinking… why not combine the two so the lazy people can also learn to count instead of just standing there with that, sort of mindless, vacant expression people have on escalators. Yes. It’s…

The Escalacalculator

This is an ingenious hybrid: the calculator and the escalator. Simply put, we’ve created the escalator steps to have inbuilt smart calculators. People standing on the device can tap at the numbers with their footsies to work out elementary sums, such as 1+1, 2+2, and the square root of 300 million.

Depending on the size of the escalator, the more sums they can complete – we’ve created software in the product that fires off basic questions that folk can answer as they steadily rise, or lower, to their intended destination. There’s even an option to censor any lowlife who types in 8008135 (BOOBIES). Indeed, they’ll be given an electric shock. That will teach them.

For any stores with this device who want to really ramp up the education factor, you should make it that individuals can’t leave the escalacalculator until they’ve completed, say, 10 questions. You can post burly bouncers at the top/bottom of the things to ensure the folks keep going around until they’re bettered themselves. Anyone who admits failure? Take them to one side and break their legs! Or whatever punishment you deem fit.

So that’s about it. It’s your normal escalator, but with a gimmick. Yes, it is a gimmick. We’re proud to admit it. But the success of this one is assured thanks to the use of bouncers – folks won’t be getting bored or fed up with escalacalculators. If they do, their legs will be broken. So it’s that culture of fear we’re promoting, you know? All thanks to mathematics.

Coke Stands

Initially, in the beta model, we installed litre bottle coke stands on the handrails of the contraption. We figured these people would want to put their bottles down as they tried to work out sums. But this backfired when the stands (and the bottles packed with bubbly warm coke) smacked into the ground as they did an about turn at the top/bottom of the escalator.

The mixture of fizzy, sugary liquid and electronics also prompted a series of violent electrical outbursts, followed by an intense fire that raged for many hours. Luckily, Coca-Cola saved the day as we could use the spare drips and drops to attempt to quell the raging inferno. That helped a bit, although the fire brigade had to handle the rest.

Well, if they’d have been better at mathematics then they’d have had a different career, yeah? Don’t go accusing us of wasting public taxes or whatever. The escalacalculator has been designed to ensure people get smarter, although we still can’t do anything about the obesity epidemic. Yet (the escalatortreadmill, anyone?).