FAQs: What is Houmous, Why Is It Mushy, & What Do I Do With It?

Hummus
Dip.

Thanks to our recent Posthoumous short story, we’ve received emails with much confusion about the mushy food dip. Consequently, we’ve decided to clear up as many of your idiotic questions as possible. We just want to be left alone on this matter, you hear? Okay, so let’s get this over with.

What is houmous?

Houmous is a chickpea-based dip that is created by smashing the aforementioned chickpeas with a pneumatic drill. You must then add olive oil, salt, and that is your dish of the day. Serve cold.

Why is it so mushy?

The pneumatic drill bit ensures mush is an inevitability.

How do you even spell “houmous”?!

There are many variations, which has led to some confusion. “Hummus” and “houmous” appear to be the most common examples, although dumb people also spell it as “humongous”. This is because they are dumb.

What are its uses?

Houmous has typically been used as a foodstuff. However, it can also be used as a beauty product – it’s not uncommon for houmous fans to spread it over their faces in order to identify as a fan. Although this is sometimes just acne, which confuses the matter somewhat – many a time has a houmous aficionado offended an acne sufferer due to this.

Can I use the stuff as an antiseptic cream?

No. But it can double up as a substitute to mashed potatoes.

There’s a bit in Steven Spielberg’s underrated 2005 film War of the Worlds adaptation where Tom Cruise’s character, Ray, has a go at houmous. Have public attitudes since changed?

Yes. After the alien invasion, people were much more accommodating towards houmous, houmous fans, and slobbering aliens.

But it’s gross! What do I do if someone offers me at, for instance, a dinner party?!

Well, if you have friends who like houmous you may just have to bite the bullet – remove them from your life and find replacements who prefer… we don’t know, like ketchup or something.

But when it happens at a dinner party, try to politely decline their offer. Should you instead begin to vomit uncontrollably, maybe excuse yourself and never speak to those individuals ever again.

Is houmous dangerous?

Well, if there’s a psychotic axe wielding maniac baring down on you whilst screaming, a pot of houmous clutched in a spare hand, then we suppose this would transform its otherwise docile and harmless exterior.

Is houmous responsible for psychotic axe wielding maniacs?

Although there have been detailed and costly studies into the effects of houmous on the human mind, so far it has only become clear that eating houmous can trigger off feelings of superiority. Some other instances found houmous caused people to change gender (although the sauces on this are unclear).

Okay, so I live with housemates and one of them has an old pot of houmous in there. It’s been sitting in there for months and is covered in mould. But there’s nothing else in the house. So, long story short, should I eat that dodgy houmous?

Sure, knock yourself out. Do be aware it may lead to stomach cramps and severe expulsions from certain areas of your body, but it will slake your hunger.

Shouldn’t houmous be made illegal?

Whilst the likes of heroin, cocaine, and meth remain banned with good reason, we don’t see houmous as having the same life destroying qualities as class A narcotics.

But I have a mate, right. Really sound chap. We’ve known each other for near 20 years. He started eating houmous a few years back. His life has plunged off the radar. His wife left him, his kids won’t speak to him, and he’s covered in sores and buboes. I think that’s because of he houmous.

It sounds more like he has plague bacillus. That’s not typically caused by houmous. Perhaps suggest he visit a doctor.

Okay, but what if he rubs houmous on the plague affected areas. Will that cure him?

Unlikely. I think a deep bath and a cup of hot water lemon should see him right as rain.

Can inter-dimensional space travel be facilitated by houmous?

We don’t think many leading physicists will be pursuing that possibility. Although a quantum mechanics houmous flavour would be nice.

9 comments

  1. What I never understood is how humus can both be a delicious chickpea dip (of which I am also a fan) AND a major component of soil in any garden, made up of a significant and variegated micro-biome. They somehow seem to be different things, unless there’s a kind of complicated phase-change similar to the way water turns into ice. Of course, I might have missed something…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, so that confuses the matter even further (as I did not know what humus was until just now): humus, houmous, and hummus. There really needs to be a committee set up to solve this spelling issue once and for all.

      Like

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