If you want to make it big in the movies (as we know best), you need ideas. They don’t need to be good ideas, they just need to be ideas. Screenwriters know this. Directors know this. Why? Well, you can’t make a film about nothing, can you? That’s just stupid. So, to assist Hollywood beyond its current path of superhero garbage, we’ve come up with 10 awesome high-concept pitches to kickstart a new era of filmmaking.
1. Jaws: A Space Odyssey
High-concept pitch: Jaws in space.
Synopsis: This alternate universe remake of Jaws sees a giant great white shark terrorising the Universe. It’s up to Chief Brody, fisherman Quint, and Hipster Hooper to go and wipe it out. You’re gonna need a bigger intergalactic spaceship.
High-concept pitch: A shed the size of Texas is heading for Earth. How does NASA save the day?
Synopsis: Travelling at 1,000 miles a second, this shed is on a collision course with Earth. NASA hires Bruce Willis, a shed expert, to go into space with his toolkit and dismantle the shed so it can be used as firewood, or something. Can Willis save the day?!
3. The Chopsticks of Doom
High-concept pitch: A chopstick invasion (from space) puts humanity on the brink of a forkless future.
Synopsis: Everything is fantastic! But then the Chopsticks of Doom arrive! Now, with a potentially fork-free future on the horizon, it’s up to the Americans to save the day again! Into space goes Arnold Schwarzenegger to wipe out the evil chopsticks in this dramatic science-fiction romp. Also includes the line: “I’ll be back… with dinner.”
4. Vegetable Vengeance: Sprouts of Psychosis
High-concept pitch: Sprouts lose their **** and everything goes crazy.
Synopsis: Everything is amazing! But things are made not amazing when the sprouts turn (and we don’t mean get mouldy when we say that). Determined to conquer Earth, the sprouts are on a mission and it’s up to ex-footballer turned TV presenter Gary Lineker to save the day!
5. Waterworld 2: This Time Everyone’s Thirsty (i.e. there’s no water)
High-concept pitch: It’s Waterworld, but without the water.
Synopsis: Kevin Costner returns for the $700 million, four hour sequel to his 1995 epic. This time the water is gone! Geez, where the Hell did it go!? Well, Kev is going to go and find out with this ambitious dramatic romp.
6. Pins & Needles
High-concept pitch: Rogue journalist uncovers pins and needles government conspiracy.
Synopsis: You know what pins and needles are, right? WRONG! The government has been lying to you for years. Pins and needles are designed to ensure you can’t chillax in weird positions and it’s so you’re always a bit stressed! This courtroom drama unfolds with much hand slamming on tables as people roar “Objection your honour!” This Oscar winner is 5/5!
7. The Joys of Potato Farming
High-concept pitch: Three-hour epic about the joys of potato farming.
Synopsis: Fred Fredson (Arnold Schwarzenegger) sows the soil on just another day at the farm. His wife Freda (Tom Hanks) is by his side. As they make potatoes on a baking (bah dum tish) hot summer’s day, they discuss, bicker, pontificate, laugh, cry, and use the bathroom as the human condition (and potatoes) are laid bare in awe-inspiring fashion.
8. Fish Face
High-concept pitch: A man with a fish for a face makes his way through life.
Synopsis: Brad Pitt may have been handsome, but with a fish for a face it’s only other fish who’ll find him handsome. Working as an Olympic diver and married to a blue whale, he spends his days wondering what it would be like to not have a fish for a face. Then… he saves enough to get a fish transplant! Should he look like Brad Pitt, or a salmon?
Synopsis: A dog with the world’s loudest bark wreaks havoc on human eardrums.
High-concept pitch: This terrifying horror movie puts the horror back into horror! This Alsatian has a really loud bark. It sparks severe governmental debate as to how to handle the beast. Eventually, earmuffs are distributed to the masses in order to save everyone from tinnitus. But is it too little, too late!?
10. Riders on the Store
High-concept pitch: A generic store opens boasting a name The Doors claim is plagiarised. Who’ll win this pitched legal battle – some multi-millionaires, or poverty stricken convenience store owners?
Synopsis: Tedious courtroom drama with lots of yelling and profound gestures. Bombs at the box office and also angers The Doors’ fanbase. Guitarist Robby Krieger goes on to later apologise, stating: “I’m sorry, I just thought it’d be a bit of a laugh.” The fans break on through into his home and smash stuff up in vengeance.