Exclusive Invention: The Moshing Machine (for hardcore washers)

The Moshing Machine is a rocking version of the washing machine
The Moshing Machine. Also available in yellow.

“A definition of moshing, please!”, you clamour. All right, give us a minute! Moshing: “Pertaining to, or unrelated therefore of, a group of angst-ridden youths thrashing about with arbitrary mannerisms to music of a varying quality.” And let’s get that last bit straight; you can’t go and watch a Beethoven or Mozart concert and get into the orchestra’s pit and mosh.

You’d be ejected from the concert theatre faster than you could say, “But I was really enjoying Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s Symphony No. 25 in G minor!” It would nary matter a jot for, you see, you’d be out flat on your face outside the building with chavs pointing out you going, “Innit, geez!” A fate worse than stacking shelves in ASDA, we believe. But what does our genius invention do? Read on good sir or madam!

The Moshing Machine

Much like our earlier invention, The Spammock (a hammock made from Spam), The Moshing Machine is a TRADEMARK invention for Professional Moron. DO NOT even THINK about stealing OUR ideas!

So, what are the features of the Moshing Machine? As you wash your clothes the machine does a mosh of sorts and blasts out your music of choice at deafening volume. You are allowed to mosh along at your leisure.

And what’s the Moshing Machine good for? Well, parties for one! It’s also great for terrifying neighbours! Also, if you enjoy stockpiling police authorised sound pollution warnings, the Moshing Machine is surely the one for you! Order today: £3,001+ VAT.

FAQs (With Paul the Pentagon)

Our Moshing Machine company mascot.

Paul the Pentagon is the jaundiced company mascot we’ve imagined. As iconic as the Michelin man, we’re sure you’ll all agree. Here’s here today to answer your FAQs in sardonic, monosyllabic fashion. Let’s dive on in and see what his nauseated mind is able to spew forth for all of us.

Q: Is there a mute button if I don’t want to mosh? A: No.

Q: Do you sell standard washing machines? A: No.

Q: Do you do home deliveries? A: No.

Q: Does the Moshing Machine come with a one year guarantee? A: No.

Q: Can I get my money back if it doesn’t work? A: No.

Q: Does the Moshing Machine come in pink? A: No. Yellow? Yes. As yellow as my jaundiced eyes. *BLLLeeuurrGHHHHhhhh*

Q: I read the following review online:

"The horrifyingly dangerous Moshing Machine has a tendency to explode without warning. When it's not doing this it shreds clothes and/or shrinks them to toddler size. This is a serious breach of health and safety regulations for washing machines and its creators are liable to many years in jail. DO NOT! Repeat DO NOT purchase this product!"

Do you have a response to these damning allegations? A: No.

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