As drummers at Professional Moron, we know a thing or two about drumming. We’re experts celebrated the world over as drummer experts of expertise. As such, we’ve decided it’s time to provide something back to the world – after spending 24 minutes trying to think of something, we settled on drum pits.

This is a pit of varying size (for example, an enormous or small pit is allowed, although medium-sized pits are frowned upon). At the bottom of it, there are an assortment of drums. Anyone wishing to have a go at banging the drums then pays us £100 ($200 in North America) and they can clamber down. Once settled, they have 25 minutes to go nuts. Want another session? There’s a half price discount of only £50 for 20 minutes!

Drum Pit

The main reason we invented this is due to noise pollution. Drums are pretty loud. Indeed, they’re famous for their ability to disturb the peace. Even the mere mention of “drums” is enough to make people think of loud noises. In fact, the only other thing we can think of that has a noisier reputation is as follows: “infant minus dummy”.

But, anyway, it’s pretty simple. We dig a big old pit somewhere, stick a load of drums at the bottom, and then you turn up and pay us. Easy, right? What more could you want? There’s a length of rope on the side of the pit, so you can lower yourself in and out using that thing – don’t expect any support from us. Hey, you play the drums, strength is surely an attribute of yours, non?

But that’s about it! In trial runs, the battering of drums was greatly distilled thanks to the enormous pit. And if you’re wondering, we hire some working class scumbags on zero hour contracts to dig those for us. Why should those cretins get a livable wage for their back breaking work?! It was our idea! As is our side hustle. The joint…

Snake Pit

As a side attraction, there’s a snake pit area in the drum pit for you to observe at your leisure. If you’ve paid for your drum session, then you are free to take advantage of this – the serpents (rattlesnakes, mainly, with a couple of black mambas) are allowed to slither peacefully amongst the thunderous racket of your playing.

If you’re not here for drumming, then you can visit the snake pit as well for a charge of £50 ($100, North America!). For your personal safety, you’ll receive some shin guards and an anti-venom pack in the highly unlikely event you come into conflict with these delightfully safe animals.

However, do note the serpents (particularly the rattlesnakes) are often observed becoming greatly agitated due to the relentless drumming noises. In trial runs here in Manchester, 20 of our customers were rushed to hospital with potentially fatal snake bites. Rest assured, we’re holding discussions to introduce a luxurious snake pen area for the animals so humans no longer annoy them.