So you think you’re intelligent, eh, you cocky SOB!? Well, don’t get ahead of yourself! If you’re really dead smart, take our IQ test to find out if you’re a Nobel Prize winner in waiting, or a Knob Prize weiner in weighting. Take the bloody test!

1. What is 77 + 3?

A: What?

B: 81.

C: Can you please repeat the question?

D: English literature isn’t my strong suit. I’ll pass on this one.

2. Explain the principle tenet of Schrödinger’s cat – a thought experiment.

A: Um… no thanks, I’d rather not.

B: It’s what happens when a cat tries to think, but can’t because it’s a cat. So everyone dies horribly.

C: That’s a trick question.

D: I would provide an answer, but I fear it would be mansplaining. So for the sake of womankind, I shall have to pass.

3. Brian sets off for work at 8am and walks at 2mph for 30 minutes. If he repeats this task for five years straight, whilst not missing a day of work (except for two days due to an unpleasant bout of plague bacillus), how long will it take until he’s fired for gross misconduct?

A: Uh… 36 hours?

B: Well, it depends on how gross he is. If he’s walking that much daily, he shouldn’t be too grotesque. So, I’d say about 35 years.

C: The question doesn’t quantify the substantive delineation required for Brian to circumnavigate the… er… malignantness of his… poopy pants. Sorry, I meant kurtosis within the frames of post-Freudian dialects. Ignore the poopy pants bit. You’re gonna mark me down for that, aren’t you?

D: Who is this Brian and why does he walk to work? Take the bus!

4. For your inheritance, you’re handed £10,000 and told to invest it wisely. What do you do?

A: Erm… sheep? I’d buy £10,000 worth of sheep.

B: I’d open a lemonade stand.

C: Delineate within the spheres of quantitative ideation.

D: Spend it all on cocaine.

5. John suffers from gout. What can he do to recover?

A: Ummm… go out more?

B: Get a brain transplant.

C: Nothing. The poor SOB is doomed to a fate worse than death.

D: Get scurvy so the two illnesses balance themselves out.

6. Describe how a helicopter works.

A: What’s a helicopter?

B: Well, you turn the engine on and then it takes off.

C: Sorcery.

D: Them blades on the top whizz around dead quick creating a suction type deal, at which point the pilot uses a joystick to alleviate from the ground and, like, fly to Bermuda or something. That’s if he don’t crash on the way, though.

6. Quote a famous Shakespeare line.

A: Ummm… “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

B: “We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard!”

C: “What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singin’ and Danson!”

D: “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.”

7. An alien species lands on the planet in exceptionally advanced spaceships. You are the president of Earth. What do you do?

A: Erm… charge them a reasonable parking fee?

B: Murder them all with guns!

C: Ignore them until they go away.

D: Ask them to bring back Elvis.

8. How many sides does a hexagon have?

A: Er… one?

B: Two.

C: 17 million!

D: Is that the one what looks like a potato?

9. Explain an invention that changed the world for the better.

A: Erm… jam jars. Otherwise, the jam would have to go on the floor.

B: Plastic. It’s belting.

C: What do you call those plugs you plug into a wall so that stuff gets plugged in? They’re good.

D: Toilet paper. Everything would stink without it.

10. Does God exist?

A: Who?

B: Whom?

C: Yes. He came to me during a drunken frenzy.

D: Only on certain days.

Results

It’s time to work out how dumb, or not dumb, you are. So, count those scores you harbinger of stupid:

• Mainly As: You are very stupid.
• Mainly Bs: You are only a bit stupid.
• Mainly Cs: You are delusional.
• Mainly Ds: You are self-assured, but still stupid.