Signing off from an email is one of the most difficult tasks any working professional must face. And it occurs on a regular basis. Thusly, you have to get it all perfected quick – otherwise you’re going to look like a total git.

Kindly Rear Guards

First off, let’s take a look at the “normal” ways to end an email and/or letter and/or text messages. The most common examples include:

• Best regards: Safe and secure with this one, you are. Functional and professional. Just remember to not write “worst regards”, even if you really want to.
• Kind regards: You’re suffering great confusion about your professional sign-offs. Even though you’ve just fired 17 staff members, rounding off with “Kind regards” shows you’re not a total despot. Hopefully.
• Regards: You don’t got no time to write “best” or “kind”. Who cares? That one word will do because, now, you gotta go and do a v lookup in Excel.
• Yours sincerely: You’re sickeningly polite, proud of it, and this will do nicely to show you’re not at all lying, not never. It wasn’t you who keeps stealing company pens. Honest.
• Thanks: Yeah, this will do if you can’t be bothered with the professional stuff.
• Cheers: This signifies you’re a laid back individual and easily approachable. You take your work seriously, but not so seriously you’re an utter professional bore.

New Sign-Offs

As always, we’re here to champion an upheaval to the established order. A

• Yours since early: A passive aggressive way to let someone know you’ve been awake since early O’clock.
• Yours fitfully: Is the person you’re messaging always a bit fitful? Include this on as a bit of a laugh.
• You’res: A plea for help – perhaps then your employer will fund some grammatical lessons.
• Best rear guards: Total failure to understand what’s going on, but still… the word “rear” is in there. Lol.
• Worst regards: Self-explanatory.
• Peace and vegetables: The official Professional Moron sign off right here, right there. Use it at your leisure! It’s a belting one.
• Bastard: A real eye-catching way to end your message. This will leave them mortified and worried they’ve done something to upset you. Good!

Example

Dear sir or madam,

I was most aggrieved to find you stole my shed and then used the wood to set fire to my home. This is arson and it will not do. Expect a lawsuit post haste. Should that fail, I'll hunt you down and destroy your life!

Best regards,

[Insert name]

This is an effective way to channel your inner hatred, whilst ending on a note to ensure the individual knows you’re a consummate professional.

Just bear in mind with the above example, you could change the “Best regards” to something such as “Bastard”.

But it’s usually not a good thing to sign off emails with profanity. Especially in a business environment. You don’t send your boss an email and wrap it up with, “Die in Hell, you cretinous slimeball!” Do you? No. It’s unprofessional.