How to Moonwalk (dancing – not space travel)

Mary Pickford dancing
Actress Mary Pickford, you’re doing it wrong!

It struck us recently that a great skill is moonwalking. So we taught ourselves. Several shattered ankles and broken toes later – along with an emergency trip to hospital – we’re quite confident we know what we’re on about.

Truthfully, we’re about as graceful as a 90-year-old man trying to walk to the shop for a pint of gin and a cigar. But that doesn’t mean we can’t try. And it doesn’t mean your shouldn’t try. No!

With this guide, why you’ll be either dead within a week or shambling down to your nearest disco to shake your backside etc.

The Moonwalk

Okay, pay close attention to the pony in the above video (although please ignore the advertising material at the end – bloody businesses). That’s a moonwalk.

Humans can also do this dance, of course, as Homo sapiens are generally more flexible and can bend into unusual angles.

The dance move was invented by Neil Armstrong in 1969. He patented it with the Moon, so every time anyone moonwalks the Moon receives royalties.

It’s one of those things that looks pretty easy to accomplish, but really is not. You need good ankles to get the job done, basically.

How to Moonwalk

Anyway, with the history of this now out of the way let us teach you how to perform the dance move.

It’s best to practice alone, as otherwise people will laugh at your repeated falling. Also, have 999 (or your emergency services number) ready on speed dial. This is in the event you:

  • Slip and smash your skull against your vegetable wrack.
  • Start showing symptoms of moonwalkitis (frothing at the mouth, bulging eyeballs, dribbling, and delusions of grandeur – i.e. Announcing, “I’m brilliant at moonwalking!” when you’re terrible).
  • Accidentally moonwalk out into the street and get run over by a passing vehicle.

With those health and safety precautions in place, here’s our five-step plan to moonwalking like a boss.

  1. Stand up.
  2. Shimmy your feet backwards.
  3. Congratulations! You’re moonwalking.

Other Types of Moon Walk

If you’re interested in practicing other dance moves, such as the moon walk, then you’ll need to apply through NASA’s space programme and become an astronaut.

If you succeed, once you arrive on the Moon you will be able to practice the dance move at your leisure. Again, be wary of the following health and safety precautions to ensure you don’t return to Earth as a dried out husk of a corpse:

  • Getting “lost in the moment” and running out of oxygen.
  • Trying to breakdance,  which will inadvertently eject you into the Moon’s orbit.
  • Taking your space helmet off to take a breather (this will lead to death by hideousness).
  • Playing Achy Breaky Heart to “get into the zone”, forcing the other astronauts to abandon you and return to Earth.

7 comments

  1. Are you sure that’s Mary Pickford, it looks a lot like me at the Renaissance Fair. The cider (by the bucket) was especially good and a few slugs made it quite easy to moonwalk, not as deftly as the Pony I admit, but I am practicing. Video coming soon to YouTube.

    Like

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