Great Films That Never Were: Pie Hard (pie-based action romp)

Pumpkin pie
We’d pie hard for this SOB any day of the week.

Die Hard was a very popular film. It launched a big old Hollywood franchise that has raked in hundreds of millions. But it could be better. Everything would be better if a pie gets stuck in there.

This is why we think Pie Hard would be a fantastic way for Hollywood to reboot the series! Bruce Willis can make his return, yes yes, but the pies are the star of the show this time around. Hearty!

Pie Hard

With a budget of $400 million, the star of the show is Easy Vegan Pot Pie (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in a giant costume). This pie has to take on a deranged army of dribbling steak and kidney pie enthusiasts.

Easy Vegan Pot Pie heads to Wigan in Lancashire to take on the pie community there. Upon arriving, it finds John McClane (Bruce Willis) on vacation. He’s sitting outside a pub in the rain enjoying a pint of lager. Yippee ki yay.

Their eyes meet. They exchange grimaces. McClane whips out a shotgun, Easy Vegan Pot Pie brandises a pastry dispenser, and within half an hour the town of Wigan is destroyed.

The rest of the film turns into an intense bake off scene, with McClane challenging his nemesis to a baking competition in Bolton of Greater Manchester.

To the loser? Death. To the victor? Not death. All of which provides Schwarzenegger’s most moving acting performance since Commando, as he quips one-liners such as:

  • “I’ll be baking”
  • “Hasta la vista, baking”
  • “Get to the chopping board!”

Sequel: Pie Chart Hard

Pie chart

Despite the unmitigated disaster of Pie Hard at the box office, Bruce Willis will be blackmailed by us into blackmailing studio execs into funding a $500 million sequel: Pie Chart Hard.

Starring Meryl Streep as a pie chart (the wonders of CGI effects will complete such a transformation) in her bid for yet another bloody Oscar nomination.

Large proportions of the film will consist of massively overpaid c-suite execs pointing at pie charts and stroking their chins. This will make Pie Chart Hard a thoughtful meditation on the nature of c-suite exec work.

However, the second half of the film will descend into a total bloodbath as Easy Vegan Pot Pie (with Arnold Schwarzenegger reprising his Oscar-nominated role) returns to wreak its vengeance on anything remotely not vegan pie-based.

The film will go on to hold a miserable 1% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and will be lambasted as “stupid” and “boring” the world over. However, sales of vegan pies will triple in the aftermath of the production.


  1. Pie Hard would be perfect for this years round of holiday movies! Bruce doesn’t seem strike me as a good leading baker where as I (moi) am a pie baking afficianado (sp).

    Liked by 1 person

    • You’re right, he seems more of a Pot Noodle type. Okay, well you can be the on-set mediator and assistant to give Willis pointers. Schwarzenegger will also need help. So you’ll need a bodyguard against those two, we’ll hire Jason Statham to kick their asses if they get out of line.


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