Great Films That Never Were: Independence Night

Nighttime
Looks independent enough, right?

Independence Day (1996) is a bloody excellent film and features Jeff Goldblum being excellent in it. Also, Will Smith. And slobbering aliens. And the President of America saves the goddamn day, y’all! USA! USA! USA!

Sure, there was a mediocre sequel… but how about a prequel?! That’s where Independence Night steps in. This $500 million blockbuster stars more Jeff Goldblum, plus Arnold Schwarzenegger, aliens, and the relentless horrifying expanse of the universe!

Independence Night

Set entirely at night (although there’s one scene in the early evening), the film is about night-time and beddy bobos (plus slobbering aliens).

The knackered out cast consists of really sleepy people doing sleepy people things. Such as:

  • Complaining about being tired.
  • Yawning.
  • Pandiculating.
  • Nodding off.
  • Nodding off and dribbling.
  • Snoring.
  • Talking in their sleep.
  • Walking in their sleep.
  • Fending off alien invasions.

Jeff Goldblum returns as brilliant scientist man David Levinson. Except it’s 1980 and he’s a marijuana smoking hippy at college. And, man, is he sleepy! Not brilliant at all. Just tired.

One night, whilst watching Easy Rider in a borderline catatonic state, a largely unexpected alien invasion occurs at 11pm.

Stumbling out into the street half naked, Goldblum drops to his knees with a roar of “Noooo!” as a horde of terrifying Arnold Schwarzeneggers storms the city of New York.

The scaly, bodybuilding beings want Earth for themselves. But can humanity fight back with implements such as guns, swords, and aggressive leaflet campaigns? We can but only hope!

Critical Shame

Despite its special effects being extra special, and there being many Arnold Schwarzeneggers, the film would bomb at the box office.

Raking in only 35 pence on its opening weekend in England, and $5 over in America, director Mel Gibson would go on to blame the staggering failure on Arnold Schwarzenegger’s poor acting performance.

The Austrian oak will take offence at this, with the two battling it out to the death in a live YouTube showdown in Times Square NYC.

With body parts everywhere, that bloody battle will inadvertently draw mass media attention to the film.

A surge of public interest will see it go on and smash box office records! Various Oscar nominations also await, including Best Costume Design for the 100,000 Arnold Schwarzeneggers storming through the streets of New York.

Sleep and Tired of it

The World Sleep Society will then brand the film as insensitive towards sleepy people.

In the media uproar that would follow, media pundits the world over will either praise, or lament, the Society for its progressive attitude, or PC nanny state libtard snowflakery.

The Supreme Court would eventually uphold the World Sleep Society’s complaint, with Hollywood forced to pay $10 billion in damages to anyone afflicted with sleepiness.

Special compensation is also provided to anyone who fell into a stupor due to the film being boring.

7 comments

  1. Rather than bomb I believe this would go on to be a cult classic, sort of like Attack of the killer Tomatoes. Since Fly I have thought that Jeff Goldblum is the oddest yet most fascinating of actors and wonder what spending an evening just chating would be like. Oh, the silly things we wonder about. Any way, (pandiculates) I could use a good nap.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds FAB!! I think it could be the box office hit it isn’t. Of course you will need a female star who gets impregnated by the invading hordes of Schwarzeneggers . I’m thinking Cher or Helen Mirren.
    I’ll do the costumes!!!!! I need Schwarzenegger’s measurements!

    Liked by 1 person

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