Exclusive Invention: Bazookio (the family-friendly bazooka!)

A green toy soldier for kids
“I heartily endorse Bazookio for all ages.” Thanks, military man!

Every young boy loves death and destruction. That’s why they have action toy figures and play pretend in the army and stuff. It’s what the Professional Moron staff did in the early 1990s at primary school.

And it’s what we do 25 years later during our lunch breaks! During such a session last momth, Mr. Wapojif (our esteemed editor) came up with the idea for a family-friendly bazooka. Kaboom!


This product is a toy. It isn’t intended for acts of extreme violence or arson. It does, however, cause capricious explosions – so it’s important an adult oversees any play activities with a sense of learned discipline (or casual drunken indifference).

Bazookio is a miniature bazooka designed to improve the imaginative play of boys aged between 10 and 41.

Anyone younger than that will have to stick with water pistols. Anyone 42 and older will have to find a real bazooka.

This less-normal bazooka is still capable of causing a minor explosion when fired. Enough to blow up a sofa, but not dangerous enough to cause immediate lifestyle cessations (i.e. death).

Severe limb loss is more probable, so instruct the boys to only fire Bazookio at individuals who deserve it. This includes:

  • Vagabonds (i.e. criminals).
  • Shoplifters.
  • Those drivers who take turns without indicating.
  • Angry old men with walking sticks.
  • People who do 35 mph in 30 mph zones.

Generally, play activities will include moments such as this:

"You stink, poopy pants!" - "WWwaaaahhhhh! Daddy! DADDY! Callum called me stinky!!!" - "Well, son, it's time you teach that little bastard a thing or two. Now, we were saving this for your birthday... but now seems a good a time as any. Behold... Bazookio! Go forth and slaughter." - "Woooooowwwww!!! Thanks, Daddy waddy!" - "No problem, son. Try not to get blood splatter on the patio." - "I will, I will. Oh boy! Hey, Callum!" - "Shut your face, stinky face!" - *KABOOOOOM* - *Police sirens, journalists, the national guard etc.*

Cutting-Edge Tech

Of course, the product has all the latest smart features to keep even the most spoiled brat entertained for a good 30 minutes or so. This includes:

  • In-built WiFi and camera: Snap instant pictures in real-time of the carnage caused and share the devastated lives on your social media channels.
  • Selfie-bazooka: Bazookio also doubles up as a type of selfie stick, enabling all concerned to snap a self-adoring picture moments before blowing up somone’s front door.
  • A safety booklet: This free pamphlet informs the kids about what to not do with the device. Gems of information include pearls of wisdom such as, “Don’t fire the product at a police officer – you will be arrested if you do.”
  • Walking stick: In the event of severe injury, Bazookio makes for an effective personal support item. This enables anyone bleeding profusely from open wounds to steadily lumber to the nearest hospital for medical assistance.

The product costs a mere £100 ($200) and comes with 10 complimentary bazooka shells. Thereafter, you can buy a pack of 50 for a mere £50 ($60)!

Or you can experiment with TNT to make your own bazooka shells, learning a handy new skill in the process.

Ever worried your kids might have to battle it out in a post-nuclear apocalypse? Here’s some great life-lesson skills to learn in the event of the total collapse of society.


Dispense with some gibberish!

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