Sand is annoying. But Anakin Skywalker hated it so much he went on an insane rampage. Can you imagine the state of mind for such a precocious little git!?

Anyway, we figured his mindless hatred of sand is a bit stupid. Why not dislike more obvious things? Such as nuclear warheads.

Anyway, we’re looking at the whole concept of what could have happened if George Lucas wrote a better script.

I don’t like sand

The original in all its glory. 1999 was a great year for cinema. Phantom Menace… Stuart Little (skip other great films from that year to make a mindless point).

The full quote is, “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.” George Lucas wrote that.

It’s just one of many vomit-inducing romantic bits in the film. Another nugget is, “Hold me, like you did by the lake on Naboo.” We’ll get to that soon enough.

I donut like sand

Well, donuts won’t make sand any tastier you stupid idiot, Anakin. Skywalker? FFS! You can’t even talk proper.

I don’t like cans

No one likes cans, man, but if you’re planning domination of the universe then you get the chance to wipe the things out.

Eye don’t like sand

Yes, sand in the eyes is a nasty thing. Good one, Anakin, we agree with you there.

I don’t like Crash Bandicoot

Fair enough, we do think the Super Mario series is far more super. Nice one, Anakin!

I don’t like jazz bands

What?! Moron. Yes, it can get pretentious, but it’s better than rap music!

I’m blown like sand

Well then you’re not going to make a very effective tyranical psychopath are you?

I bemoan sand

Okay. That’s a posh way of saying you don’t like sand, mate, just say it as it is!

I postpone sand

How does that work? It’s kind of diffiult to manage the stuff, it’s not like you can cancel the Gobi Desert, is it?

I testosterone sand

Cripes… don’t even go there, mate, we’re not interested.

I command sand

Good for you! What do you hope to achieve with that skill, exactly? It’s not like sand needs commanding much. Something to think about!

I demand sand

Command, demand… Anakin, you have to sort your priorities out, dear. No good dithering on this subject matter.

I don’t like shorthand

Yes, well many budding journalists find it a tad tricky to begin with.

I don’t like and

What? Well, as a conjunction, mate, you’re going to struggle without it. So get used to using it!

I don’t like, like, sand

Oh no he’s, like, gone all, like, modern on us, like. Really, mate, what are you, like, thinking about? Just talk normal!c

I don’t like canned sand

Okay. Good for you. Gourmet posh git.

I don’t like my right hand

Hack it off with a chainsaw, then. Worked well enough for Luke at a later date, eh?

I don’t like Thailand

Cripes… that’s just sexist, so shut your face and concentrate on becoming Darth Vader.

I don’t like no man’s land

You’re not supposed to like it, Skywalker. It’s just there for a reason. Perhaps if you spent less (fewer?) time brooding you’d know that.

I don’t like my thyroid gland

Again, this isn’t really something you’re supposed to like, mate. It’s just there. Stop snowflaking about the situation and deal with it. We all have one!

I don’t like it when people say, “On the other hand”

Why, because hand loss is a commonplace occurence in the Skywalker family? Get over it, Anakin. You’ve got a helmet to wear.

And finally…

I don’t like secondhand goods

Well then be less of an overlyprivileged toff, eh, mate? As the Rolling Stones once sung, “You can’t always get what you want.” Unless you’re The Rolling Stones. Who have everything. Except anti-ageing pills.