General Election 2019: Professional Moron’s Guide to English Politics

Vote with hands reaching out to it
Yote? What the hell is that? Has it got something to do with yoghurt?

As the UK is in total political and economic chaos, there’s a general election shortly to determine the fate of the country.

It’s arguably the most important one since… well, in a very long time. It’ll sort out the outcome of Brexit, plus decide whether the nation is heading towards an oligarchy, or a country where it doesn’t cost £1,000 p/m just to rent a flat.

Here’s our totally impartial guide to the happenings ahead!

Why are we having a general election?

Brexit, which was supposed to be sorted out in March, is lumbering on due to the Conservative party’s inability to work out a deal with the EU.

Depending on who you speak to, that’s either because the EU is headed by a bunch of bastards, or due to the total incompetence of the Tory government.

Whether or not it can ever be sorted is unclear, but our present Prime Minister Boris Johnson (the last two Tories, Theresa May and David Cameron, are viewed as the two worst in the country’s history) states it’ll all be sorted and everything is utterly fantastic.

Meanwhile, it’s a year since the UN toured the country to document the extreme poverty crisis the Tory’s decade of austerity has caused, alongside an appalling housing crisis the Tories are doing nothing to improve.

14.3 million people live in poverty, food bank usage has skyrocketed, the disabled have been humiliated, but the great news is the Tory’s tax breaks for the rich have ensured rich people get richer.

Meanwhile, Home Secretary Priti Patel has said the poverty crisis has nothing to do with the Tories, it’s all the fault of the local authorities (who are facing a crisis due to the Tory’s relentless budget cuts under austerity over the last decade).

Oh, and crime rates have skyrocketed as the Tories have taken 21,000 police officers off the streets.

It’s fair to say things have been shit for a lot of people since 2010 (except for the superior rich people, thank God!). This general election is a chance for a fresh start and to correct the mayhem the Tories have caused.

But they’re likely to win it regardless. Why do people continue to inexplicably vote for the very thing making their lives miserable?

The right-wing press plays a significant part here. If you read The Daily Mail, Daily Express, or The Sun, then the problems in here are caused by immigration, liberals, and lazy people who don’t work.

It’s got nothing to do with a decade of austerity or the Tory’s bumbling incompetence. It’s because of stupid poor people and scrounging foreigners!

Now, we may sound horribly biased from your perspective (especially if you support right-wing ideologies), but we want to see social equality and prosperity for everyone. We want this poverty crisis to end and everyone to have a fair shot in life.

A Tory victory at the 2019 election could trigger off a horrible chain of events.

Our current Prime Minister (Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, to give his full title—he’s a privileged elite) will likely prorogue parliament to force through Brexit (whether it’s no deal or otherwise—regardless of the consequences), sell off the NHS to America (talks have been well underway for ages), and whether or not austerity will ever end is unclear.

So, vote wisely, British people! Here’s who you can leave a mark in a box for.

The Political Parties

Here’s an overview of whom (if you’re English) you can vote for:

  • Conservatives: The “Tories”—right-wing, been in power since 2010. Depending on who you speak to they’re either doing wonderful things, or have shredded the nation of its socioeconomic fabric and are a bunch of utterly incompetent, self-serving sorts who’ve normalised poverty.
  • Labour: Headed by an anti-monarchy sort who likes democratic socialism. If you’re a billionaire, that means panic stations as Jeremy Corbyn is coming for your cash! Depending on who you speak to, Corbyn is either a pro-terrorist out to bankrupt the nation, or if you put aside your frothing bias he has decent policies that’ll help to balance out the appalling inequality in this country. Oh, but he’s a socialist! Evil. Pure evil. As Thatcher put it, the problem with socialism is you eventually run out of other people’s money. And you know she’s right as she was an overprilveged, upper class toff.
  • Liberal Democrats: Saying some fancy things, but they have a woman heading them up. LOL! Like a woman ever ran a country! She belongs in the kitchen. Wasted vote.
  • The Brexit Party: Very keen to make Brexit happen so we can take our country back. Headed by a beer swilling man bloke—Nigel Farage—who’s realised his new party (the last one being UKIP) can’t win, so he’s told everyone to vote Tory in the desperate hope to stop Labour winning and that’ll then stop the appalling spread of social equality by taxing overprivileged rich people. Vote UKIP!
  • The Green Party: Hippies who like social equality and care for the environment. Have no chance of winning, despite probably being the best party for the country. But then why give a toss about the environment?! Climate change is leftist propaganda, after all.
  • Monster Raving Loony Party: A joke party but, then, you could say that about the Tories over the last decade, really! *Bah dum tish*
  • Lord Buckethead: Intergalactic behemoth standing for office opposite Count Binface in Maidenhead (and all the above parties, of course). Unlikely to gain more than 0.5% of the votes.

The election is on the 12th December and is extremely bloody important. So, vote as best you see fit! And forever hold your peace.

There’s a big old left/right-wing split across the country.

The 50+ generation typically leans towards voting for the Tories. The latter have a problem as they don’t offer anything to young people—in fact, their economic policies are diametrically aimed at screwing over the younger generations, anyone who’s poor, and the vulnerable (mainly the disabled, unfortunately).

That’ll likely come back to bite them as more progressive young people reach voting age and veer towards left-leaning parties.

But that’s a way off, which could mean we’ve got another decade or so of Tory rule ahead.

But then if you do read The Daily Mail, Corbyn is a terrorist sympathiser who hates the Royal Family, wants to bankrupt the nation, and is a socialist FFS! And we all know what happens when you vote for that! World War II, dammit!!

What’s the Professional Moron editorial view? Probably a Tory win, or some horrible, garbled mess of a hung parliament.

But the reality of the mess is, whilst the Tories blatantly lie about everything (they’ve reduced child poverty, apparently, even though it’s skyrocketing), this general election is a defining moment in the UK’s history. For better or for worse.

22 comments

    • Why not pretend to be British for a day? Put on the accent, drink tea, and start a football riot.

      Clappers would be a good Prime Minister. Eddie Izzard may run for mayor of London, which would also be good. So long as we get the Tories out I’m quite happy.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Presumably you refer to the UK as England – WRONG. There are three nations Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England that make up the UK. It just happens that England expects to be able to and does dominate the other three. England still think they have an Empire.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s not my intention for the piece, I’ll update it to the UK if that’s how you feel it comes across.

      It should be obvious from the article I’m not a raging partriot with anachronistic dreams of the past, empires, and exceptionalism.

      I just want a government that doesn’t so blatantly prioritise the wealthy and, instead, benefits all of us.

      Like

  2. Thanks for the amendment.
    I campaign on FB “Determined to REMAIN in the European Union” but I frequently end up in FB gaol. Currently, I am in there until 10 Feb 2020.
    Either I have a Leave supporter blocking me or that FB is protecting the Tories.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m very much Remain, so hopefully we get a positive result on the 12th. But if the Tories blitz it I’m not sure quite what to make of the world.

      Social media has very strict community rules these days, so even if you’re talking sense they’ll boot you off for inciting such and such. Total nonsense all of it, Mark Zuckerberg is increasingly in trouble for what he allows others to get away with.

      And Twitter I got banned from one account, whilst I see Leave voters spouting hate and they don’t get banned. Hmmmmm.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, it came and went and Boris de Piffel is still the man.
    The best thing here is the Cream song. Maybe they could run the country. Are they still alive?
    Perhaps once Mr. boris pushes Brexit through, thing will start to get better? You know, like staring over, again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Eric Clapton is still with us. A few saucers of cream and we have a more competent government than the current batch, that’s for sure.

      Post-Brexit we’re expecting more strife, it depends how he goes about accomplishing it. And if he addresses austerity and the housing crisis. Based on the Tory regime since 2010, I’m not exactly optimistic. They’ve been horrendous for everyone except the rich, who’ve received fantastic tax breaks.

      Like

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